A Matter Of Hope
My father was a forgetful person.
It was the same with his promises with neighbours, and even if it was my mother’s request, it was no different.
He couldn’t even figure out how much the credit was posted at the bar, and he could barely memorize his only child’s name even after hearing it ten times.
A pathetic and hopeless person. People only criticized him, but they didn’t pity him at all.
Actually, that was normal.
All he didn’t remember were the things he didn’t want to remember. Promises that are earned are to be remembered in detail, and only the promises to be bought are wholly forgotten.
Because it was annoying to listen to my mother’s request.
Because he didn’t want to pay the debt.
Because he was not interested.
A truly irresponsible specimen of a human being, the person did not change even after my mother died.
‘Iris, your father only trusts you.’
There is no way that a human being who can even remember memories according to his own convenience could have done a proper job, and as soon as my mother, who had been responsible for our livelihood, passed away, he began to lean on me. Even though the man’s daughter at the time was four years old.
It was actually a ridiculous choice, but funny enough, it was not without reason.
From birth, my eyes have been golden.
Proof that I inherited the blood and powers of Aurel, a hero who saved the world from a great disaster and a genius who had ninety-nine supreme abilities…
People say that, in conclusion, I have a special ability, not knowing what it is, and ‘he’ had no doubt that it would be money.
Thus, knowing only how to be parasitic to others, he did not abandon me and began to raise me.
Until my mother was alive, he didn’t pay any attention to me, so he didn’t know what I liked or disliked or how to raise his only child in the first place, but I remember that he certainly took care of me for meals.
But just because I didn’t starve didn’t make him a good nurturer.
I bowed my head to thank him for a half bowl of cabbage soup, and when he bought something that would give me a stomachache, I still had to eat it, and when he had a chance to pick up something at the stall, he had to pick up the cheapest one. Because if he chooses something that is even a little expensive, he has to hear that it is a luxury for a young child who doesn’t know the hardships of her parents.
Even at the age of 26, it doesn’t sound good, considering that the money used in all these situations was not what he earned, but what my mother left behind.
His favour was shallow, but the price had to be heavy. Wouldn’t it be very wrong to say that this is terrible?
Of course, we didn’t just build up bad memories while living together. Even if it’s because I’m thinking about it desperately, happy moments are just sweet.
Very occasionally, he gave me a ride on a horse. When I sang excitedly at the height of my vision, the person who taught me that song hummed along with me.
Could it have been a sign of thank you?
I don’t know. Now, I don’t even want to find out.
***
“…Why is it that I am reminded of the past in the morning?”
I got up from the bed as I woke up. It was a bit early to go to work, but I didn’t feel like lying still, perhaps because I had been thinking about something.
I have to hurry up and do what I’ve been procrastinating on.
After light preparations, I left the dormitory with the snack basket I had packed yesterday.
If I keep thinking about it, there is no end to it, but… he only took care of me for three years.
‘… So you mean the only thing, your ability, is that you have a good memory?’
‘What do you mean by ‘only’? Is it normal to memorize things you see and hear once? It is good. If you make me study, I will do well.’
‘Make you study? How? What about right now? If you knew how to make fire, you would be able to join an acrobatic troupe right away. I have already invested for 3 years, and I have no money left now!’
After three years of grand dreams, he was greatly disappointed when my abilities were revealed. It seemed like he thought that the ability to remember and not forget everything I had seen or heard once, as well as everything I had sensed, would not be of any help to his immediate livelihood.
Come to think of it now, it was laughable. I could have made money if he had taken me to the gambling board and had me memorize the order of the cards, but how stupid people are.
In any case, he made the decision that he could no longer invest in me, and that decision soon became final.
That is, the decision to abandon his one and only child.
‘Iris, these people will take care of you for a while. Dad will go and come back to earn money.’
After all, my memory was very good. No, it wasn’t enough to say that it was good.
I remembered everything I had seen, heard, and felt until now, except for a time when I was just born and had nothing to think about.
For example, the fact that my father has a habit of twitching his lips whenever he tells a lie or the fact that he left the easy and comfortable road that day and went around the difficult road and took me to the orphanage.
‘When are you coming?’
‘Uhh… When I make a lot of money? Do not worry! It won’t take long. I’ll come to pick you up soon after earning a lot of money, so why don’t you go and wait patiently here? And… Do you remember how we got here?’
Of course. Even then, I still remember it clearly enough to draw the roadmap. Because that was the ability I had inherited from Aurel.
But I couldn’t say I remembered it at the time. That said, it didn’t make much of a difference.
My father was a person who could easily forget everything. He’s a bit of a brainless guy, but that’s because he’s a human being who wants to avoid things even if he forgets the things he hates.
So whether I said I remember or not, whether he left the village or not. It was clear he wouldn’t come again to pick me up.
Either way, it was clear that he was going to shake off all of his past. Would you like me to remove the memories of a child who was abandoned by her father, and left in an orphanage? I don’t even know if there would be a place where I could go and live when I’m old and sick…
But this is the story of when I was foolish. It was also a story of a time when I was incredibly stubborn.
At the time, I was crying profusely and shook my head, as I couldn’t let go of such futile expectations that if he left me in the village where we lived together, he might come to think of me and come to pick me up again someday.
Then someone, relieved and trembled, added, ‘My dear daughter, I’ll be back.’
It’s not even worth arguing if his words were sincere…
***
Naturally, my father did not come to pick me up, and in the meantime, as an adult, I had to leave the orphanage.
Fortunately, I was the descendant of Aurel.
Unless there were exceptional circumstances, descendants who became adults had to work for the state, so I was able to get a job at the same time as I left the orphanage. I worked as a librarian at the National Library of Montreal.
Other than that, I couldn’t help but be grateful for this. There is nothing more valuable than a stable job for someone who has nothing.
Anyway, after 8 years, I’m still working as a librarian.
Come out from the back of the dormitory and enter the forest path.
I had to walk for a long time to get to work. Long, deep roads among the dense old trees. Hearing the buzzing of insects from early in the morning makes you feel dizzy.
It is said that these are all summer privileges, but how easy is it to see romance in the season when the soil is boiling.
The top of the head heats up in the sun that would only occasionally rub against it. My steps got faster.
It was only after I breathed in the moist air as if to wet my dry throat that I could see something in the distance.
A librarians’ exile.
The official name is ‘The 14th Library’, but it was called by the librarians. The reason is not great.
Where I work, in other words, ‘The 14th Library of the Montreal’ was initially nothing more than a warehouse of junk.
However, as the collections in the other thirteen libraries reached saturation, space was needed to store the overflowing books, so this place was converted and used as the fourteenth library.
It was an inevitable choice. Because there was no way they could throw away good books just because those were left behind. But it wasn’t a good choice either.
Although there are enough books to be shown to visitors, the quality of the collections in the 14th library was inferior, as most of the remaining books were from other libraries.
Moreover, since it was a building that was initially used as a warehouse, it was isolated in a secluded place. Simply put, accessibility was the worst.
In the early days, people who were curious about the appearance of the new library often visited, but it didn’t take long for the library, which was lacking in many ways, to be turned away.
As the number of visitors decreased, it became impossible to receive support from the top, and when support cannot be received, the problems cannot be solved, so the number of visitors decreased.
Thanks to this, ‘The 14th Library’ had only a few visitors a year. Of course, it is safe to say that even those who have lost their way in the spacious library are no actual visitors.
In this situation, manpower can not be sufficient. The nickname ‘Librarians’ Exile’ probably started then.
As a practical matter, there were no visitors from above who didn’t even know the half of the rat tail, so they ordered to leave only the gardeners and cleaners behind.
It’s like being quarantined alone in a library, you have to fall apart and get hit by a heavy workload, so it’s never wrong to call it an exile.
But what kind of situation is this?
Where should I start explaining? There are so many strange corners that it’s hard to summarize.
To put it simply, when I arrived at the library, a man in a black coat was watering the flower bed in a modest posture. I know how strange this sentence sounds, but surprisingly it is true.
Neatly folded the coat sleeves, and to avoid damaging the flowers, the back was lowered, and the watering can was tilted.
If I add the fact that I am the person who originally had to water that flower bed and the fact that I am seeing that man for the first time today, will it explain what I’m thinking in my mind now?
Furthermore, the black coat worn by the man was a symbol of the military. So I don’t understand it all the more.
‘Soldier, why are you here?’
‘Is it alright for a soldier to visit this place in the first place?’
‘If you were a general visitor, you wouldn’t have taken out the watering can that I had stored deep in the warehouse and watered the flower bed.’
No, it’s strange that he’s doing that even if he visited as a soldier.
Anyway, how did he find the can?
It didn’t take long to realize that it was a problem that would not be answered if I thought about it alone.
I’m the only worker here anyway.
I’m the only one to ask.
“Excuse me, but what’s going on? I never received an official notice that the military would visit.”
That’s how I approached him. Only then does the man who noticed my existence turned slowly and looked at me.
I had a lot to ask him. This is not because of my personal curiosity, but because I have to confirm it as the only librarian and administrator of ‘The 14th Library’.
However, as soon as I saw his face, I couldn’t talk.
Clear black hair, dark eyebrows, eyes that stretch out coolly, nose bridge that can be felt high from shading, and a hard and smooth jaw.
If you ask me if I was enchanted by the appearance that I could barely see by raising my head, the answer would be an absolute no. What’s the point to know when you know a human being whose exterior is glossy, and everything else is at the bottom better than anyone else in the world?
It was the expression that stopped me from speaking. It was hard and slightly distorted…
Then, in the end, I couldn’t tell if he was smiling or crying.
What day is it today?
It’s all incomprehensible. It’s actually none of my business to see a man’s fickle expression for the first time in my life, but strangely, I was speechless. Strangely enough, I couldn’t take my eyes off him.
Strangely, he looked very pleased.
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