That evening, Subaru noticed that he was feeling a bit feverish so he put his hand on his forehead. It was hotter than he expected. It seemed way higher than normal body temperature. Subaru wondered if there was a thermometer in this house. He was sure that if he asked Tokizawa, that would lead to Tokizawa asking a lot of questions so he decided to remain silent about it. Subaru decided that when Tokizawa left for work, he would go search for one. He stood up and for a moment felt like he staggered a little but decided that he just imagined it.
“You’ll eat before you go right? I’ll make something now so wait a bit.”
“Yeah, thank you very much.” Tokizawa called out as he ripped open a bag that he had just picked up from the dry cleaners. Subaru went into the kitchen. Today, Tokizawa said he wanted to eat fish so Subaru promised to make some soy sauce marinated fish. Subaru was relieved that it wasn’t something complicated.
Subaru put on an apron and went to look inside the refrigerator when Tokizawa appeared in the kitchen.
“Um, Subaru, there’s something a little off with you I think.” Tokzawa frowned slightly as he asked a little reservedly. Subaru turned his head towards Tokizawa.
“What?”
“Your complexion is a little…”
“…There’s not really anything wrong.”
What a perceptive guy! Subaru inwardly thought as he replied.
Tokizawa, in a rare display of defiance declared in a sharp tone “Liar.”
“I’m not lying.”
“Okay then, excuse me for this.” As Tokizawa apologized, he extended his hand towards Subaru. He lightly touched Subaru’s forehead almost as if touching something that could break at any time. Subaru felt Tokizawa’s rough fingers on him.
Subaru figured out that Tokizawa was trying to take his temperature, however, Subaru was surprised at how hot the palm of Tokizawa’s hand was. Subaru thought that there’d be no way that Tokizawa could see if he has a fever. However, Tokizawa stared hard at Subaru.
“I knew it!” Tokizawa raised his voice in a worried tone. He grabbed Subaru’s hand and started pulling him away from the kitchen.
“Don’t make dinner today. You need to sleep!”
“Do you have some sixth sense or something? How did you know?” Subaru asked Tokizawa leisurely.
“Of course I’d know!” Returned sharply.
Subaru wanted to say that you wouldn’t normally figure it out but he remained silent. He held back his rebuttal.
Subaru’s eyes widened when he realized that Tokizawa was pulling him towards Tokizawa’s bed.
“Huh? Why here? I’ll just sleep on my own futon.”
“This part is sectioned off so it’s a bit warmer than the rest of the room. And my comforter is thicker as well.”
“It’s fine. It’s really not that much of a difference. I want to change clothes so I’ll just go to sleep later.”
“Just do it!” Tokizawa challenged Subaru with a strict tone as he came back with a change of clothing from Subaru’s belongings.
Tokizawa grabbed Subaru’s hand and again pulled him over to the other side of the partition and then disappeared. Subaru realized that no matter what he said, it would fall to deaf ears so he decided to do as he was told and started to change.
Subaru slowly took off his clothes until his upper body was completely bare. Even though the room was supposedly warm, his skin quickly formed goosebumps from the cold feeling. As he thought, his fever must actually be higher than he thought.
“Use this to… Aahh!”
Subaru was just about to grab the roomwear when Tokizawa returned. Tokizawa was holding the comforter that Subaru always used and upon seeing Subaru half naked, let out a yell and quickly turned on his heel.
“You brought that all the way over here? You didn’t have to.”
“Ah, uh, yeah. Sorry, um I didn’t think you were still changing…” Tokizawa responded in a shocked voice while having his back turned. He apologized in an incoherent manner. Subaru wondered what was getting Tokizawa all worked up for. He lifted his gaze and noticed that Tokizawa’s ears had turned red.
“Why are your ears so red?” Subaru extended his arm and touched Tokizawa’s red ear. Tokizawa let out a yell and dropped the comforter.
“S-sorry! It’s nothing, so just hurry up and finish changing.”
A tense Tokizawa picked up the fallen comforter and nearly flung it on the bed and then for some unknown reason tried to go to the toilet while making sure that Subaru didn’t see. Subaru was dumbfounded. After a sneeze he went back to changing his clothes
By the time that Subaru was changing the lower half, he finally realized it. Why Tokizawa’s ears had turned red.
“…I can’t believe it. Does he actually…”
Subaru looked down at his flat chest. It was an ordinary man’s chest. It didn’t protrude like a woman’s but it was also a far cry from a manly man’s chest. Subaru had never thought that there could be a man who would feel desire from seeing skin that is normally hidden by clothes. That’s why it took him so long to realize it, however Subaru recalled that he thought that in this world Tokizawa was an exception.
As Subaru kept thinking about it, the reason why Tokizawa went to the toilet slowly started to clear up in his head.
It seems like Subaru had always been underestimating Tokizawa’s feelings about him. Tokizawa professed his love but never laid a hand on him, so Subaru figured that Tokizawa didn’t have any of those feelings of desire towards him. However, Subaru just witnessed first hand Tokizawa getting stirred up by Subaru’s body. Subaru finally realized that Tokizawa’s love for him was not just admiration.
Subaru heard the sound of running water coming from the bathroom for a while. A stunned Subaru crawled in the bed and pulled the comforter over his head. Subaru wasn’t sure how to face Tokizawa now.
Did he actually get stirred up from seeing me? It could be a misunderstanding… but now that I think about it, he did say that he might sneak into bed with me. Subaru’s mind went in circles and suddenly tensed up when he felt something touch the top of the comforter.
“Subaru.”
Subaru’s name was called so he had no choice but to peek out from under the covers. Tokizawa was back to normal. This time it was Subaru who was red. Tokizawa took the comforter that was still crumpled up by Subaru’s feet and spread it over the bed.
“I don’t need that one. I’ll get too hot and I won’t be able to sleep.”
The two comforters piled one on top of the other made it hard for Subaru to breathe from the heaviness.
Despite Subaru’s complaints, Tokizawa just kept patting the comforter as if comforting a child.
“Just listen to what I’m saying. You have to sweat it out.”
Subaru reluctantly nodded at the semi pleading words and did as he was told.
Why is it that you look like you’re in more pain? Subaru uttered those words in his heart.
“Sorry. I’m causing you trouble despite being a freeloader. I can’t make food today.” Subaru apologized. But Tokizawa just shook his head.
“”It’s no trouble at all. So just warm up and fall asleep quickly. I’m going to go buy some medicine so wait a bit! I’ll turn off the lights as I leave.” As Tokizawa said that, he left in a hurry. Left all alone, Subaru felt like his breath uneven.
Subaru suddenly made up his mind and he pulled his heavy body out of bed and went to retrieve the planetarium he received this morning. Compared to this afternoon, the pitch black room projected the stars beautifully.
“…Ah, this is so nice.”
Being all alone in the room, Subaru could stare as much as he wanted. As Subaru was staring at the ceiling, suddenly a shooting star shot by. The planetarium was really well done. It was a type of shooting star with a long thin tail that disappeared in an instant. Subaru wondered if Tokizawa knew about this.
If only there was a shooting star when we were watching it together. Subaru thought.
Subaru laid back down on the bed under the heavy blankets. He took a deep breath and just stared at the ceiling. The section that was reflected on the partition was rather warped but the section right above had no issues. Subaru could stare forever and not get tired.
The small planetarium that he had was actually a gift from his ex-girlfriend when they were living together.
It was waterproof so it could be used even in the bathroom, and only once, Subaru tried it out when he was in the bathtub. However, it was a small unit bathroom so the projection was all distorted. The sections reflected on the water surface shook and the light blurred, so trying to find the constellations made Subaru feel sick. In the end, Subaru only used it two or three times and then he put it away. That planetarium was one of the things he left behind in the house that he and his girlfriend lived in. Looking back at it objectively, Subaru felt that he was being quite cold-hearted. He felt like maybe he did something inexcusable. But what is done is done. And just like that, Subaru realized that he did not have any romantic feelings left anymore.
Not even a month had passed since then and even if Subaru picked at it, it doesn’t hurt anymore. It had become an old wound.
“…Seriously?”
Subaru was staring dazedly up at the starry sky when Tokizawa came back in the same hurried way he left. The lights were switched on and the room quickly brightened up and at the same time the stars disappeared.
“Sorry for making you wait, can I have a bit of your time?”
“Yeah.”
Tokizawa rushed over to the bed and took out a box from the large plastic bag he was holding. Tokizawa opened the box impatiently and stuck a cooling strip on Subaru’s forehead.
“It’s cold.”
“Ah! S-Sorry. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I was just surprised.”
Once the initial shock had passed, Subaru found that the cooling strip felt pleasant on his hot forehead. Subaru squinted his eyes and saw Tokizawa looking at him with an anxious look on his face.
“It was because of the snowball fight…It’s because I hit you with all those snowballs. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” Tokizawa entwined his fingers almost like repentance as he said that.
If it was like normal, then Subaru might have felt annoyed. Of course it wasn’t Tokizawa’s fault, yet he was so convinced that he was responsible for it. That’s one of Tokizawa’s bad traits. However, right now Subaru didn’t feel annoyed or thought it was strange. He wondered if it was because of the fever.
“I’m the one who said we should have one. It’s not your fault.”
“But…”
“You’re so persistent. If you keep at it, I’ll get mad.”
“…Sorry.” Tokizawa gave a pained smile and hung his head.
Subaru took his hand out from under the comforter. He could see the thin plastic bag that Tokizawa was holding was full to the brim with medicine and nutritional drinks.
“Thank you. I should be good with all this so hurry and go to work. Although you’ll be late for sure.”
Looking at the needle on the clock, it was way past the time when Tokizawa usually left. However, even after Subaru urging Tokizawa, he just stayed kneeling by the bedside shaking his head.
“I’ll take the day off. I’ll look after you.”
“Don’t be silly. It’ll be such a waste of your perfect attendance award.”
“But.”
Tokizawa sighed in an uncharacteristic display of tenacity. Determinedly scowling.
“It’s fine so go!”
“Are you sure it’s really okay?”
“I said I’ll be fine. It’s not really a big deal. I’ll get better as I sleep. Ah, go buy some takoyaki on your way home. From that wagon.”
“…Okay.”
Right next to Tokizawa’s bar was a compact truck that often came by while selling takoyaki. Its main customer base was most likely people who were heading back after drinking since business hours seemed to be from midnight to dawn. And Subaru had taken a liking to their takoyaki.
Subaru requesting something else besides going to work made Tokizawa’s worried frown relax and he reluctantly nodded.
“Thanks. I’ll look forward to it.”
“Okay…Um, are you really sure? If something happens then,”
“You are so per-sis-tant. Come back safely!”
It sounded like Tokizawa was going to keep going so Subaru forcefully interrupted him so Subaru said it in almost a yell. Tokizawa’s eyes widened in surprise, from then his mouth started opening and closing as if fumbling for words and his eyes darting back and forth before finally muttering, “I-I’ll be back soon.”
Satisfied with his clumsy response, Tokizawa finally left Subaru alone.
Why did he react like that? Subaru was perplexed over Tokizawa’s strange behavior. But as soon as he thought of it, the answer came to him.
When Subaru and his girlfriend had started to live with each other, the ‘Come back safely’ and ‘I’ll be back soon’ exchange felt like total happiness then.
Subaru realized that it was most likely that.
Now that he thought about it, Subaru realized that it was the first time they had exchanged those words to each other,albeit in an angry tone.
“He’s really such an idiot…” Subaru muttered quietly to himself as he buried himself under the comforter.
Getting so purely happy over such a small thing, but then catching a glimpse of such straightforwardness- Subaru didn’t know that part of Tokizawa.
To think that he also feels desire. Even with that clean looking face of his.
Subaru once again felt the meaning and the heaviness of Tokizawa’s feelings. And because of that, Subaru’s heart would not stop pounding.
After a short while, Tokizawa’s voice rang out and said, “Sleep well, okay,” and he left the apartment. Subaru replied to him while still under the comforter and after some time passed, Subaru finally uncovered his face.
The room was quiet without Tokizawa. He’s not a loud person from the start so Subaru never once thought of Tokizawa as loud when he was around. But somehow now that the room had one less person, it felt empty. It was probably because Subaru was laying down in bed that those thoughts came to him.
The humidifier placed in the corner of the room rang in his ears as it evaporates more water.
The room, now dark again, beautifully projected the stars from the planetarium that was still on.
Subaru stared at them and remembered that when he was a child, his father had stuck glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. It wasn’t at all like the stars he was looking at now, they were just small plastic cutouts. However, every night Subaru looked forward to when he could finally turn off the lights.
Upon remembering his childhood home, Subaru realized that he still hadn’t responded to the message that his mom sent him that morning.
Thinking it was a bit of a hassle, Subaru opened his cellphone and read the rest of the message.
Right at the very bottom, was a message that read “Oh by the way, Happy Birthday”. Smiling as he read the message, Subaru pressed reply. However, somewhere between deciding what to reply, Subaru fell asleep.
When Subaru woke up, the room was dim.
He wasn’t sure whether it was morning or evening, so Subaru turned over and started searching for his phone to check the time only to find his phone had died. Sighing heavily, he slowly got up from bed. Subaru realized that his fever had gone down as well. He went to remove the cooling strip that was on his forehead when he realized that it had the elasticity of a new one. Subaru came to the conclusion that Tokizawa must have changed it when he got back home. Which meant that Tokizawa was probably sleeping on the sofa, Subaru thought as he got up from the bed. He took a step and was immediately surprised by a voice.
“Subaru, are you awake? Are you okay?” Tokizawa immediately peeked from the other side of the partition. Tokizawa was still wearing his work clothes which meant that he had probably just gotten back. Subaru’s heart was jumping out of his chest from suddenly hearing the voice of a person he assumed was sleeping.
“You’re still awake.”
“Yeah. Ah, sorry for surprising you.”
Subaru didn’t say he was surprised but his expression told it all.
“It’s fine… So my fever went down. Thank you for yesterday.”
“I’m glad to hear that, but you should stay inside for the time being.”
“You worry too much. It’s morning now, right? Did you just get home?”
“Yeah.”
Seeing Tokizawa’s carefree expression made Subaru want to mess with him a little. Perhaps a continuation of the conversation they had before Subaru went to sleep.
Subaru thought, If Tokizawa was so happy about the exchange earlier, then how about this.
“I see. Welcome home.” Subaru said in a light tone, and immediately after, he stopped smiling.
…Ah, I have to stop.
“…I’m back.”
Seeing Tokizawa flash such a sincere smile, Subaru felt embarrassed about his own actions. Tokizawa’s eyes opened wide for a second before quickly avoiding his gaze.
“Yeah,” Receiving that sort of punishment and giving a curt reply, Subaru slipped past Tokizawa’s side and headed to the changing room. He grabbed some fresh linens from the shelf and headed back to change the bedsheets.“You don’t need my comforter, right? I’ll take it back.”
“Huh, yeah.”
Subaru finished everything in front of the bewildered Tokizwa who was standing completely still and he hit Tokizawa’s back.
“I’m gonna go sleep a bit more over there. You should sleep too.”
“…You didn’t have to change the sheets.”
“Huh? Are you a pervert?”
“N-No! I mean that you don’t have to be so concerned about it since you have a cold! I can do it myself…”
“I was just joking. You don’t have to be that frantic. It’s even more suspicious if you react like that.” Subaru said with a wry smile. Tokizawa, in a complete loss of what to do, bit his lip and turned red all the way up to his ears.
“Good night.” Subaru said it in a way to forcefully put an end to the conversation and he went to the other side of the partition.
“…Good night.”
Subaru laid down on his usual futon, together with the comforter that he reclaimed. The sheets were cold.
As Subaru waited for the futon to warm up from his body temperature, he closed his eyes.
Subaru realized that sometimes he says rather cruel things to Tokizawa. He often regretted a lot of things he said casually.
That sense of guilt was born because he was aware of Tokizawa’s feelings. However, even though Subaru knew it, he still never learned his lesson and ended up saying the same cruel things.
I wonder what it is I want to do.
Subaru did not know what to do with the overwhelming emotions that he’d never felt for another person.
What is this emotion even called?
Subaru tried running away from looking for the answer by touching the cooling strip on his forehead. He remembered the feeling of Tokizawa’s palm and fingers touching him last night.
Tokizawa’s rough dry fingers were definitely the result of working with water a lot.
Subaru always half thought that every part of Tokizawa was beautiful to the point that it had to be handmade, so he thought it was especially pitiful to see his hands in that state.
On the other hand, he was a human of flesh and bone. It was obvious but Tokizawa was indeed not an alien.
Subaru was learning about parts of Tokizawa in two weeks that he hadn’t known at all in their three years of high school together.
In the midst of all his thinking, Subaru started to feel sleepy in the now warm futon.
Subaru could hear the quiet footsteps on the floor and eventually the sound of the water in the shower running. Listening to the water pelt the door, Subaru drifted into sleep.
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