One night, I had a strange dream.

I was watching TV in a dark room with the curtains closed. The image seemed to have been shot with a handheld camera, and the picture was shaky. On the screen was Shimizu. He was wearing the suit he wore on his wedding day, he was laughing. Next, Aida was shown, also in his wedding guest attire, sticking his thumb in his ear hole and flapping his palm while playing “Blow Back” in the background. Next, Takashi Hojo, once Yuzuki’s manager, shows up, crazily smiling and dazzling me with camera flashes.

 　I don’t remember what happened after that.

When I woke up, I felt unburdened, the tears streaming down my face felt good.

I had forgotten everything besides that bizarre beginning.

It was a strange dream

Three days after the dream, Yuzuki’s arm crumbled quickly and the AGATERAM no longer fitted.

It was the middle of a chilly September that she entered a hospice.

 　　　８

The hospital room was filled with flowers. I was the one who brought them.

“You bought another?” Her lips quirked. “I guess there’s no helping it.”

She forgave my eccentricity with a smile.

The Chloride Blight had accelerated. Half of her lower arm and a third of her thigh. The gaping void gave me stabbing phantom pain. The flowers I bought were no different from what I brought to Mom. Yuzuki understood that.

She was afraid of being alone at night, so I stayed by her side until she fell asleep. I wanted to hold her hand, but Yuzuki no longer had one. So, as though putting a child to sleep, I patted her head or gently stroked her stomach in a steady rhythm.

When Yuzuki fell asleep, the hospice room was the color of the bottom of a deep sea. When the curtains were opened, moonlight streamed in, making the flowers in the overcrowded vase flicker like a silent flame.

Praying that the flowers would protect and warm Yuzuki, I went to the other room where I would stay the night.

 　　　９

In October, Yuzuki began to feel pain.

In addition to limbs, her organs began to dissolve. The internal chaffling brought severe pain.

By that time, Yuzuki’s visiting hours had been considerably restricted by her will. In my stead, Ranko-san was there to nurse her.

Once, I went to her room a little earlier than visiting hours.

Yuzuki was screaming. It was a shrill cry.

“It hurts!! Hurts!! Mom!! Ahhhhhh!!!!” Then her voice turned into an intelligible screech.

I was frozen on the spot. I had never heard her scream like that. I turned back to the waiting area and went to her room at the proper time.

She was basking beautifully in the soft autumn sunlight with a slight smile. She even had makeup on. It was as if nothing had happened, that it was all a bad dream.

Ranko-san became more gaunt every time we passed by. Dark circles ringed her eyes, her skiing rough, her wrinkles deepened. Her gray hair took more of her head.

One day, we had coffee at the lobby.

“She doesn’t want you to see her like that. That’s why the ugly parts became my responsibility… I’m sure this is her revenge on me.”

I touched the ring on my ring finger.

This was her punishment, and at the same time, Yuzuki’s desire to forgive. By imposing a sentence on Ranko-san with her dying body, she was working towards pardoning her. By hurling all the ugly feelings around, Yuzuki hoped that she could find forgiveness for her mother.

So…

“Then that’s her love for you. She could have chosen to leave you, but she didn’t. Afterall, she has always wanted to be loved by you.”

“I agree. But How can a mother treat a daughter who is smarter and more admirable than she is?”

“It’s not hard, Ranko-san.” I answered immediately. “You just have to give her warmth and love her.”

Her eyes reddened. She nodded. 

She left the hospice cafe and went to Yuzuki’s room.

I pictured the double-paned window in my mind. I pictured Ranko-san patting Yuzuki’s head gently as she taught her piano.

 　　　10

Seventeenth of October, Chopin’s death anniversary came around again.

Yuzuki’s eyesight and hearing had deteriorated. In the morning sun, she looked ethereal, like a serene sculpture of some god. Yuzuki, who had been full of life, was now no less than a sagging husk, her life streaming away through the cracks. Desperately, I tried to stuff that gap with flowers.

She looked at me with blurred eyes. “I’ve been thinking… about where I should die.”

My breath caught.

“Dying is a tragic thing…so I wanted to die where I love the most.”

I nodded, not sure if she could see me or not.

“I’ve thought about it. Then I realized, of all my life, I loved that secret base the most. I love the time I spent with you in that old bus…”

The recollection of blissful childhood days suddenly bloomed in my heart. I involuntarily burst into tears.

“Take me there. Today’s my last day.”

 　　　11

I left the hospice with Yuzuki on my back.

It was a calm, clear autumn day. We walked slowly along the avenue of yellowing gingko trees. The gentle breeze was filled with the soothing scent of dead leaves. 

She was very light. This wasn’t surprising, since most of her body was gone. The wedding ring she now wore around her neck was pressed hard on my back. Her body was still warm and soft. It was unimaginable that this warmth would soon be gone.

When the wind died down, I could smell the scent of freesia. Yuzuki was trying to stay beautiful until the very end.

Her soft breath, much like a sleeping breath, fell on my neck. I wondered many times if Yuzuki might have fallen asleep or not.

As I walked, I could hear a soft grinding sound. It was salt. 

It sounded like the sound of snow being swept off the ground. The thought filled me with the imaginary coldness of the hazy winter that made me shiver.

“Let’s take the long way around…” she said feebly.

I had a feeling that she would die if we reached the bus early, so I turned off the road again and again.

She said nothing. With eyes as clear as glass balls, she looked lovingly at the apartment where we lived together, my parents’ house, Rhythm the golden retriever, the elementary school, the park where we used to play, and the scenery of our hometown.

Thank you, goodbye.

I could feel her repeating these words over and over silently.