“Hold.” Gu Fei said.

Author: Wu Zhe, Translated by Ami <3

　　Jiang Cheng’s tears did not seep out, they gushed, without gaps and without pause, entirely out of control, flowing madly down. He could even feel very clearly the tears making one, and then two distinct tracks down his cheeks, which very quickly merged into a whole area of wet tears.

　　All this time, Jiang Cheng felt like he had gotten rid of all distractions. Other than studying, he had not thought of anything else. At most, he needed out of habit to be able to spot Gu Fei in the corner of his eyes, to feel grounded.

　　Aside from that, he had no extraneous thoughts in his mind. It was only when listening to his classmates’ conversations today that he found out that someone else had also fallen sick in the class next door, and that there had been a fight that ranged all the way from the third floor to the ground floor—causing quite a ruckus. But he did not know any of this.

　　All this time, his mind had been completely filled to the brim and his nerves tightly wound. Until now.

　　All the heavy burdens had been set down, all the pressure thrown off, and all the emotions let back into his body. It felt as though the closed container he had resided in suddenly opened its lid. What he saw with his eyes, heard with his ears, experienced, felt, all of it suddenly became clear—even clearer than before.

　　And it was with these renewed senses that he saw Gu Fei’s wearied countenance and heard his weakened voice. It was as if Jiang Cheng had only just realized all the various, compounded stress that Gu Fei had carried over these past several months.

　　He could hardly bear the remorse and ache he felt at this moment.

　　Day after day, Gu Fei had taken care of his own house, the store, while also looking after him. He had to make time to spend with Gu Miao; make time to watch the store, to bring in stock; he looked up recipes every day to make sure Jiang Cheng was getting the proper nutrition in his meals, and kept Jiang Cheng company while he studied… 

　　Jiang Cheng always thought that studying was hard work, he always felt tired, but never did notice how tiring it must have been for Gu Fei—working round the clock every single day, always keeping him company until midnight, only sleeping after he fell asleep, and always waking up before he woke up.

　　Compared to his own, simpler kind of “tired”, Gu Fei’s fatigue was by far the more difficult to bear.

　　“I’m sorry,” Jiang Cheng held Gu Fei, and felt his whole body burning up like a little furnace, scorching waves of panic into his own heart. “I’m so sorry, Gu Fei.”

　　“I was afraid you would say that.” It could be that Gu Fei had finally relaxed, or it could be that the fever really was getting to him, but his voice was starting to sound hoarse. “‘I’m sorry’ and stuff, I was afraid you would say that.”

　　“I really…” Jiang Cheng lowered his head and wiped his tears against Gu Fei’s shoulder, but as soon as he finished wiping, more tears rushed out almost without pause. “I really never considered if you would feel tired all this time.”

　　“I didn’t even feel tired myself,” Gu Fei gently rubbed Jiang Cheng’s back. “Besides, a lot of people fall sick after the exams…”

　　“Don’t be mad at me,” Jiang Cheng tried his best to curb his tears; he could hardly even speak properly while crying like this, he could not stop trembling every time he opened his mouth. He kissed Gu Fei’s neck, but when his lips touched Gu Fei’s burning hot skin, the barely controlled tears broke out of its dam again. “Don’t be mad at me.”

　　“I’m not mad at you,” Gu Fei smiled. “Why would I get mad at you? I didn’t even connect this to you.”

　　“Stop talking,” Jiang Cheng held him tight. “My heart hurts hearing you talk like this.”

　　“Mhm.” Gu Fei answered, and did not say any more.

　　With eyes shut, Jiang Cheng held Gu Fei tightly in his arms, he only loosened his grip when he felt his lower back getting stiff.

　　But Gu Fei did not move. Jiang Cheng turned and realized that Gu Fei had fallen asleep against his shoulder.

　　Jiang Cheng braced one hand against the back of the sofa to keep steady, while he held Gu Fei with his other hand and lowered him slowly onto the sofa. Then he ran into the bedroom and brought a small pillow, stuffing it under Gu Fei’s head. He also brought a blanket and draped it over Gu Fei, wrapping it tightly around his whole body.

　　Having done all this, Jiang Cheng stood in the middle of the living room, unsure of what to do next.

　　He spaced for a while, then went to wet a towel before setting it carefully on top of Gu Fei’s forehead.

　　He originally wanted to use an icy cold towel, but Gu Fei was sleeping so soundly that he did not want to risk waking him up.

　　After walking a few circles around the room, Jiang Cheng brought over a little stool, set it down in front of the sofa, and sat there staring at Gu Fei’s face.

　　Gu Fei’s face was still flushed, though Jiang Cheng could not tell if it was from the fever or from being completely wrapped up. It could also be both. He reached back for the thermometer and checked Gu Fei’s temperature again.

　　It was still 38.3 degrees, not much different than before. Of course, there would not be much change in a few short minutes.

　　After a while, he removed the towel. In that short period of time, the towel already felt warm to the touch. He went into the washroom and soaked it through with cold water again before wringing it out, then set it back on Gu Fei’s forehead.

　　Gu Fei had always been very healthy. In Jiang Cheng’s memory, he had never really gotten sick before, not even with a small cold. But for people who never got sick, when they did it was with a colossal force.

　　Jiang Cheng checked Gu Fei’s temperature two more times, once it read 38.3, and the other time it was 38.4.

　　Fuck. How is it still rising!

　　He was having trouble sitting still, when he remembered that Gu Fei said the digital ones weren’t accurate, so he dashed swiftly out the door, jumped on his bike, and pedaled hard toward the community clinic.

　　He needed to buy a mercury thermometer, and along the way go to the community clinic to see if he could get some medicine.

　　He had just charged up to the clinic, when he saw Li Yan walking out of Gu Fei’s family’s store, pulling out his phone and dialing as he crouched down on the front stoops.

　　“Li Yan!” Jiang Cheng called out to him.

　　“Huh?” Li Yan turned. “How come you’re here by yourself? I was just calling Gu Fei, is he…”

　　“Don’t call him!” Jiang Cheng hopped off his bike. “He’s sleeping right now, he’s got a fever!”

　　“Fever?” Li Yan hung up the call, a little surprised. “He has a fever? His constitution is as solid as the Bull Demon God, how can he have a fever?”

　　“Who knows if the Bull Demon God never gets a fever?” Jiang Cheng said. “It’s not like you’re the Iron Fan Princess…”

　　“And what if I am,” Li Yan tutted. “What’s his temperature?”

　　“Thirty-eight-point-something. I was worried the digital thermometers weren’t accurate, so I came to buy one of those mercury ones.” Jiang Cheng said with knitted brows.

　　Li Yan went into the clinic with him. The doctor gave Jiang Cheng a mercury thermometer and two pills for reducing fever, then said, “There’s quite a few people who fall sick after the exams, it shouldn’t be too big of a problem. He can take the medicine later, but make sure he gets plenty of fluids so he doesn’t get dehydrated. If his fever is still high tonight or if it goes up, you can bring him back here to check and see if there’s any other problems.”

　　Jiang Cheng took the thermometer and medicine, and coming out of the clinic, finally remembered to ask Li Yan, “So why did you come here?”

　　“Well, I thought we can all have a meal together now that you’re done with your exams,” Li Yan said. “Who would’ve guessed that he would get sick.”

　　“Then…” Jiang Cheng looked at him.

　　“Oh don’t mind me, you hurry back and wait on him.” Li Yan checked the time. “I’ll just keep watch here. I’ll lock the doors later.”

　　“Where’s his mom?” Jiang Cheng asked.

　　“As soon as I got here, she took Er-Miao out to buy clothes, with that little hubby of hers.” Said Li Yan.

　　“Oh.” Jiang Cheng nodded, then asked again after he got on the bike. “So for steamed eggs…”

　　“What steam, what eggs? He probably shouldn’t have such high protein foods when he still has a fever.” Li Yan cut him off, then said after some thought. “Food wise, you can just go with plain congee, plain noodles, or something.”

　　“How horrible that must taste,” Jiang Cheng sighed. “Will he be able to keep it down?”

　　“Don’t worry, he’s very good at bearing unpleasant things.” Li Yan said. “He’d even be able to eat shit if it doesn’t stink.” [1]

　　“Hey!” Jiang Cheng glanced at him, then let out a big sigh.

　　“It’s the truth,” Li Yan smiled. “You should hurry back.”

　　Li Yan’s words were gross, but he did seem to be telling the truth. Gu Fei really was good at bearing unpleasant things. No matter what it was, he was able to bear it, and always without making so much as a peep.

　　He could even imagine the way Gu Fei would look when faced with plain congee and noodles—unhappy, but still calmly finishing a whole bowl.

　　And so he felt another surge of heartache.

　　“Do they have noodles in their store?” Jiang Cheng asked. “Like a really fancy, really tasty kind?”

　　“… Wait here, I’ll get it for you.” Li Yan turned back into the store, and quickly brought back a plastic bag containing a pail of noodles, as well as a few bottles of seasoning. “This one, I made it a while ago, the texture is really smooth. And these seasonings, all kinds of sauce-this and yum-that, you can throw them in to taste.”

　　“Alright.” Jiang Cheng hung the bag from the handlebar and flew back to his apartment on the bike.

　　Gu Fei was still asleep. By the looks of it, he had not woken up.

　　Jiang Cheng set the things in the kitchen before coming out and wringing the towel out again in cold water, and placed it on Gu Fei’s forehead.

　　The digital thermometer still read 38.2 degrees, which was not that different from before. Jiang Cheng very carefully lifted the covers, trying to stick the mercury thermometer under Gu Fei’s armpits. Just as his hand touched Gu Fei’s arm, Gu Fei groaned quietly, “Hmmm?”

　　“Keep sleeping. Sleep.” Jiang Cheng immediately said in a quiet voice. “I’m just taking your temperature.”

　　“Cheng-ge.” Gu Fei mumbled his name incoherently.

　　“Hm?” Jiang Cheng answered as he stuffed the thermometer in place.

　　“I don’t feel good.” Gu Fei murmured with his eyes closed.

　　His voice was still hoarse, and his tone contained a note of grievance. At the very sound of it Jiang Cheng almost could not bear it anymore. His heart felt sore, as if something was clawing inside his chest, and his nose twinged in waves.

　　“I know, I know,” Jiang Cheng tucked the covers under him and stroked his face gently. “Just a little longer. I got medicine, later you can eat some food then take the medicine, and you’ll feel better.”

　　“What food?” Gu Fei asked.

　　“I ran into Li Yan just now,” Jiang Cheng said. “He said when you have a fever you can only eat bland foods, like plain congee or noodles.”

　　“That bastard,” Gu Fei said quietly. “Must be on purpose.”

　　“Then what do you want to eat? I’ll make it for you?” Jiang Cheng asked.

　　Gu Fei let out another couple of groans and murmured something unintelligible, then fell asleep again.

　　Jiang Cheng figured Gu Fei was knocking his cooking skills. Although with plain congee and noodles… he would not have any difficulty with those. After all, he used to cook noodles for himself all the time.

　　However, Gu Fei never did say what he wanted to eat before he fell asleep again, so Jiang Cheng got up, went into the kitchen, and put the congee on first. For plain congee, all you need is to put rice and water together, then turn the rice cooker to the congee setting. It was easy.

　　Just as he pressed down on the button, his phone rang in his pocket. In fumbling for it, he did not even look at the screen as he pulled it out and picked up the call right away. He was afraid that one more ring would wake Gu Fei up.

　　“Who is it?” He asked.

　　“The hell? Cheng-er?” It was Pan Zhi’s voice coming from the other end. “You deleted my number?”

　　“Why would I delete your number.” Jiang Cheng closed the kitchen door.

　　“Then why did you ask who I am! Don’t you have call display!” Pan Zhi said.

　　“I didn’t look,” Jiang Cheng said. “What is it?”

　　“… Fuck.” Pan Zhi’s voice was tinged with grief and indignation. “Can’t I give you a call for no reason anymore?”

　　“I was just asking.” Jiang Cheng said.

　　“Though it’s not like I’m calling for no reason, I do have a reason.” Pan Zhi said. “How did it go? Do you feel particularly fantastic after finishing the exams?”

　　“It’s alright.” Jiang Cheng smiled.

　　“Have you checked your answers? Should be no problem getting into B. University or something, huh?” Pan Zhi asked. [2]

　　“I didn’t check, but I’ll find out soon enough when the scores come out.” Jiang Cheng said. “I just feel pretty good overall, can’t bother to waste my time worrying over the other things.”

　　“Check out this overachiever energy.” Pan Zhi exclaimed. “I did a little calculation; I might be able to crawl my way into a third-tier. Either way when the time comes, I’ll fight my mom if I have to, to end up in the same city as you.”

　　“You don’t have a girlfriend these days, do you,” Jiang Cheng said. “That you’d wanna hang around me instead.”

　　“I’ll have to prioritize you even if I have a girlfriend.” Pan Zhi laughed. “Besides, how can I have a genuine romance at this time, who knows if there are better girls waiting for me in university.”

　　“The way you act,” Jiang Cheng said quietly. “None of the good girls will glance your way.”

　　“What if one just happens to be blind?” Pan Zhi cackled along without a care. “Oh hey, how’s Gu Fei doing? I even sent him a message earlier to ask after him, and he never replied. Is he in pain from bombing the exams?”

　　“How can he possibly be in pain from something like that,” Jiang Cheng said. “He has a fever, so he’s sleeping right now… Oh yeah you’re right on time, ask your mom for me, how can I make plain congee and noodles taste better?”

　　“Fever?” Pan Zhi paused. “I always thought if one of you is going to collapse after the exams that it’d be you, how come he fell first? Give me a second, I’ll ask my mom and then message you back.”

　　Right… If one of them was going to crumple after the exams, it should’ve been himself. No one had expected it to be Gu Fei.

　　He was the only one who knew why Gu Fei had fallen sick.

　　Jiang Cheng felt terrible again at the thought of it, that he only realized why Gu Fei had fallen sick after he already fell.

　　He went back to the living room, sat down on the little stool, and watched Gu Fei.

　　He had really never seen Gu Fei sick like this, it was a particularly pitiable sight.

　　The thermometer was about ready to be removed. Jiang Cheng hesitated for a long time; he was reluctant to lift the covers and risk disturbing Gu Fei.

　　It was not until Gu Fei stirred on his own, that he seized the opportunity to quickly lift up the covers and yank the thermometer out.

　　“Hmmm?” Gu Fei murmured again dazedly.

　　“Did I wake you?” Jiang Cheng hurried to tuck the covers back in. “I’m just grabbing the thermometer.”

　　“How much is it?” Gu Fei was still in a daze.

　　“Let me see…” Jiang Cheng looked down at the thermometer he was holding.

　　The problem with these things was that, one never knew where exactly to look. Jiang Cheng rotated it between his fingers about 7264 times, yet he still could not see where the line of mercury was supposed to be. The thicker tubes were easier, but the doctor had given him one of the thin ones.

　　“Ah fuck!” Anxiously, he lifted the thermometer up toward to the light, but after a while still did not manage to find it. The more frazzled he got, the more trouble he had with reading it. He said in a lowered voice, a little irritated, “I bet this thing was never designed to be read by humans!”

　　“Give me.” Gu Fei said.

　　Jiang Cheng handed the thermometer to Gu Fei in resignation, “Have I gone blind?”

　　Gu Fei smiled and did not say anything, still looking pretty weak. Holding the thermometer, he casually turned it about half a rotation and said, “38.1.”

　　“Then the digital one is still fairly accurate.” Jiang Cheng let out a sigh and set the thermometer to one side, before tucking Gu Fei back in. “You can sleep for a little longer. I made congee, but if you don’t want to eat that, I’ll cook some noodles later when you feel like eating.”

　　“It’s so hot.” Gu Fei said.

　　“You’re sweating, of course it’s hot.” Jiang Cheng half-kneeled on the sofa and gently stroked Gu Fei’s nose with his finger. “You’ll be better once you sweat it out. Do you want some water? The doctor said you have to drink lots of water so you don’t get dehydrated.”

　　“Mhm.” Gu Fei closed his eyes and answered.

　　Jiang Cheng mixed a glass of warm water for him, then after some thought, put a straw in there too. These straws were saved from containers of yogurt he bought. Jiang Cheng liked to eat yogurt with a spoon, so Gu Fei removed the straws from the packaging and saved it all, saying that they might come in use one day.

　　Well, that day has come.

　　“Here, hold this in your mouth.” Jiang Cheng knelt down beside Gu Fei and lightly tapped the straw against Gu Fei’s lips.

　　“Sounds like you’re beckoning a puppy.” Gu Fei smiled.

　　“Drink,” Jiang Cheng also smiled. “Drink up.”

　　Gu Fei used the straw and sipped up more than half a glass of water, then let out a long breath, “I can just have plain congee later.”

　　“Noodles wouldn’t be any trouble either,” Jiang Cheng said. “Don’t you try to still consider me when you’re like this.”

　　“It’s just that, the noodles you make,” With his eyes closed, Gu Fei’s lips twitched up. “Probably taste worse than plain congee.”

　　“Shit,” Jiang Cheng laughed. “Alrighty then. You can lie here for a little while longer, I’ll call you when the congee’s ready.”

　　“Mmn.” Gu Fei answered, then quickly fell asleep again.

　　Pan Zhi had sent him a message:

　　- my mom said noodles aren’t as easy to digest, congee is better. After it’s cooked, you can throw some finely chopped leafy greens in there, then mix in some oyster sauce and sesame oil, and that’ll be good. Or get some fermented tofu to pair on the side.

　　- thank your mom for me

　　- I pre-thanked her already 

　　Jiang Cheng smiled and set his phone to the side. After changing Gu Fei’s towel again, he sat down on the little stool and continued staring at Gu Fei.

　　He was so used to seeing the stoic Gu Fei, who treated others coolly and smiled at him. And now all of a sudden, seeing Gu Fei so weak with an indefinable sense of vulnerability about him, he also felt an indescribable mushy feeling spread in his heart.

　　Jiang Cheng wanted to give Gu Fei a little kiss, and a little hug.

　　He leaned in, and very gently touched Gu Fei’s lips with his own.

　　Gu Fei had just drank water, and his lips were still a little moist. It felt very pleasant as he touched it with the lightest contact.

　　Only when the rice cooker “dinged” in the kitchen did Jiang Cheng get up. He planned to rework the congee according to Pan Zhi’s mom’s instructions.

　　But perhaps he had been sitting down for too long, and had gotten up too abruptly, he almost fell over when he turned around. He had to brace against the table nearby to steady himself and take a moment for the stars to disappear from his sight before he could run on tiptoes into the kitchen.

　　To ogle at his boyfriend to such an extent must qualify as some kind of extreme dedication.

　　He washed a few vegetable leaves, finely chopped them, and scattered them into the finished congee before giving it a stir. Then he put in a couple drops of oyster sauce and sesame oil. It had to be relatively bland, after all, but just a little bit of flavour should be enough.

　　Gu Fei opened his eyes when Jiang Cheng set the bowl of congee on the coffee table, “Smells good.”

　　“You’re awake?” Jiang Cheng leaned close and touched Gu Fei’s face. It still felt pretty hot to the touch.

　　“Mhm,” Gu Fei moved his hand. “Let me have a taste.”

　　Jiang Cheng helped him sit up on the sofa, then wrapped him up with the blanket again.

　　“How…” Gu Fei looked at him. “Am I supposed to eat?”

　　“I’ll feed you.” Jiang Cheng picked up the bowl with one hand and held the spoon in the other, sitting down on the coffee table face to face with him.

　　Gu Fei did not answer as he started laughing. Due to his weakened state, even his laugh sounded like a struggle.

　　“What are you laughing at,” Jiang Cheng scooped a spoonful of congee and took a little taste first. To his surprise, it was actually pretty good, though he might just be hungry. “It’s not bad. Here, you try it.”

　　“I just thought it was a little funny,” Gu Fei opened his mouth. “Hmm, not bad. Did you add oyster sauce?”

　　“Just a tiny bit,” Jiang Cheng said, delivering another spoonful into Gu Fei’s mouth. “I didn’t dare add too much, in case you don’t like the taste.”

　　“But honestly,” Gu Fei said as he ate. “It’s just a fever, it’s really not a big deal.”

　　“You’ve practically passed out, and your voice is hoarse,” Jiang Cheng frowned. “What exactly counts as a big deal for you, mister?”

　　“I just needed sleep, that’s all.” Gu Fei said.

　　“You know what, Gu Fei?” Jiang Cheng looked at him. “I don’t like seeing you like this, the way you grit your teeth and hold it in like an ass.”

　　Gu Fei looked back at him without a word.

　　“What, am I wrong?” Jiang Cheng said. “I don’t care if you hold it in with other people, but what are you holding it in front of me for? Can’t you just let yourself be vulnerable in front of me? The way you’re burning up all over, I could get some thermal therapy just by holding you in my arms…”

　　“Then hold me.” Gu Fei said.

　　“Huh?” Jiang Cheng blinked.

　　“Hold.” Gu Fei said.

　　Gu Fei’s slightly hoarse, slightly nasally “hold”, tinged with the tiniest smidge of whininess of someone asking to be spoiled, practically exploded in Jiang Cheng’s ears like a little flower crackling with electricity. His heart instantly turned to mush, and he could hardly hold the bowl in his hand.

　　“I’ll hold you after you finish this bowl.” Jiang Cheng said.

　　“Mhm.” Gu Fei nodded.

　　Gu Fei was definitely still feeling pretty bad at this point. He was not usually a big eater, but today, he only had half a bowl of congee before he was full.

　　Jiang Cheng finished the remaining half, then went to the kitchen and ate another bowl, and finally felt his hunger somewhat sated.

　　By the time he went back to the living room, Gu Fei was still sitting on the sofa wrapped in a blanket, though his eyes were closed.

　　Jiang Cheng checked his temperature again, this time it was only 38 degrees. It might be a minuscule decrease, but at least it did not continue going up. Perhaps Gu Fei was right, getting a fever was not an especially big deal. However, Gu Fei’s current condition was not just a simple fever, it was the fatigue he had accumulated over a long period of time, finally erupting. Otherwise, he would not be so weak and fall asleep so easily like this.

　　“Hey little cocoon,” Jiang Cheng touched his hand against Gu Fei’s forehead. “Why don’t you lie down, or do you want to go sleep on the bed?”

　　Without a word, Gu Fei opened his eyes and looked at Jiang Cheng.

　　“Hm?” Jiang Cheng looked back at him. “What’s wrong?”

　　Still Gu Fei did not speak.

　　Jiang Cheng held a staring contest with him for a long time before suddenly remembering, “Ah, ahhhhhhhhhh! Hug hug. Coming right up, I’m coming.”

　　He sat down next to Gu Fei and pulled him, blanket and all, into a tight embrace, “Cheng-ge hug.”

　　“Sing something for me, Cheng-ge,” Gu Fei leaned against him and closed his eyes again. “A lullaby.”

　　“Alright.” Jiang Cheng cleared his throat. “Good little bun-bun, open the door hun, hurry up and open, I want to come in…”

Footnotes:

[1]: This is where my translation fails. The word here is 忍, which you may associate with ninjas lol. The meaning of this verb can include holding back (emotions), bearing with (unpleasant) things, including hardship, or tolerating (pain). For Gu Fei, I believe his 忍 includes all these things. The character 忍 is a blade [刃] over a heart [心]. ↑
[2]: To avoid disturbing real life places, Wuzhe avoids giving these places names, because even if they make up a name, with China’s large population, it’s still a real possibility that it will coincide with something else. Though it’s pretty much an open secret that “B. University” is Beijing University. ↑