So, I’ll do my best.

　I will analyze the feelings that I have been keeping hidden without really understanding them.

　And I will put them into words. That’s my goal for today.

　…I’m not good at this. This thing. At all.

　But I can’t just say I’m bad at it… So, I have to do my best. Not only for Fay’s sake but also for my sake.

　…So, sitting on the bed in the guest room, which has become like my room… I sat there thinking.

　…I think about the things I thought about at the Dioren house.

I’ve been thinking about the idea that there’s a difference between painting and making a career out of painting.

　But that’s not the only thing I need to think about… Maybe I just don’t want to think about it.

“Hey!” (Laocles)

　I was in such a state when Laocles called out to me.

“What are you worried about?” (Laocles)

“About making a career out of painting.” (Tougo)

　When I answered, he nodded his head with a look that said, ‘Well, I guess that’s right.”

“…do you think you’ll be able to put your thoughts together?” (Laocles)

“Hmm…” (Tougo)

　To be honest, I don’t think it’s going to come together. But I have to put it together. And I can’t keep complaining about it…

“Then talk to me. I don’t think I can give you any advice, but I’m sure you can sort some things out by talking to someone.” (Laocles)

　… But Laocles said this and came over with a chair across from me and sat down.

　I can sort it out by talking about it, huh?

“…Teacher said the same thing, I think?” (Tougo)

　Yes, I think Teacher said the same thing something like, “I heard that the programmers in our world realize their mistakes and come up with solutions to their problems by explaining their programs to the sky and toy ducks. I’m not a programmer, but I’ve tried it, and it works surprisingly well. However, I tried it against a wall and felt like I am losing my mind, so I don’t recommend it to
Tougo…” or something like that.

　And then he added, “I don’t think it will affect my mentality as long as I’m talking to Tougo instead of the wall. So, Tougo it is. I’m sorry, but I’m going to need you to be the one who gets talked to. You don’t have to listen. You can just keep on painting!” He once got to talking endlessly next to me as I painted a picture.

“Teacher? I see. Your teacher told you so? I learned it from the mansion.” (Laocles)

“Yeah. Then let’s do it together.” (Tougo)

　Apparently, Laocles was also said the same thing, and that he was taught this by someone he respected. So, I felt a little closer to him than before.

“…So, what do you think? I may not be enough though.” (Laocles)

“No. That’s not true.” (Tougo)

　Laocles’ offer was very much appreciated. Yes, it is. It’s better to put it into words. I’m sure it happens.

“…then, excuse me, but can you just listen to me for a minute?” (Tougo)

“Yeah.” (Laocles)

　That’s how I decided to put out this and that in my head against Laocles.

“I wonder if I can make painting a job. Is it okay if I do?” (Tougo)

　Just by saying that out loud, my mind cleared up a little. It was amazing.

“…wasn’t there a plan to make it your job?” (Laocles)

“No, that’s right, but… I thought that if all I wanted to do was draw pictures, I could do it even if I didn’t have to make it my profession.” (Tougo)

　Hmm, Laocles nodded.

“I’m sure you can do that.” (Laocles)

“Yes.” (Tougo)

　Yes.

　…If it ends with this, there will be no problem.

“I want to paint. That’s all, so if the reason I want to be a painter for the Redgarde family is that it’s stable, or safe, or… because of a sense of duty to Fay and the Redgarde family, then I think I should stop. But even if I take all of those things out of the equation, I’m still kind of lost.” (Tougo)

　Something catches me. I don’t know what it is, but something is definitely stuck, and I’m at a loss.

“Then you must also be attracted to signing a contract with the Redgarde family.” (Laocles)

“Hmm… yeah. Maybe.” (Tougo)

　I’m not sure. I’m still not sure about that part.

　Fame or something. I wonder if that’s what I’m looking for when I become a house painter. If so… Is it disgraceful? Is it shallow? Is it greedy? I don’t know. But I do feel guilty. I feel like I shouldn’t seek fame. I have to keep a lid on it.

　So, is it money that I am attracted to? No, but I don’t think I need money. I feel like I could live on that if I painted jewelry and materialize them.

　But still, I am sure that there is something about… “making a career out of painting” that attracts me.

　There is a part of me that thinks I shouldn’t reach for it, but there is also a part of me that is trying to reach for it.

　I know I shouldn’t. I know this is wrong.

“…I have the feeling that it’s no good, but even so, I still long for it.” (Tougo)

　Why is it? I just don’t understand what I feel.

　…When I was feeling confused when  Laocles said suddenly.

“Longing, huh?” (Laocles)

“I long for it.” (Tougo)

“Yeah. Why do you think?” (Laocles)

　Longing. Longing….

　I muttered the word “longing” in my mouth, and the word “longing” settled in my mind.

　As if to say, I’ve been here all along. Or, really, as if I had been there all along.

　… I see. It seems that I have been longing to “make painting my job”.

　Longing. I see. I have been longing to make a career of drawing pictures. That is what I’m longing for… So that’s how it is.

　That’s great. When I talk to Laocles, more and more thoughts become words in my mind.

　When thoughts become words, I become more aware of my feelings. Even now, I am a little surprised at how I feel.

“If it’s something you long for, just make it work. It’s within your reach. As long as you choose. What are you worrying for?” (Laocles)

　Then Laocles resumed the conversation. Yes. I appreciate it.

“What is it that worries you? That you are not as good as they expect you to be? You don’t have to worry about making a living, do you? You’re not afraid of painting, are you?” (Laocles)

“I don’t know. Maybe everything.” (Tougo)

　So, when I answer so, Laocles looks surprised.

“…making a living too, huh? I don’t think you have any resistance to painting.” (Laocles)

“Well… it might just be ‘making a living by painting’. As for painting… hmmm.” (Tougo)

　As I said this, I searched for the identity of something that had been nagging at me for some time. I’m not sure what it is.

　I can’t get my thoughts straight even if I try to think about it… So, I’m just going to try to get a fragment of the idea out of my mouth for the time being.

“…I’m not comfortable selling my paintings.” (Tougo)

“I see.” (Laocles)

“I don’t like the idea of having to use my beloved paintings for something I don’t like.” (Tougo)

“I see.” (Laocles)

“And I don’t like the idea of having to paint for money.” (Tougo)

“Oh, I see.” (Laocles)

“And I don’t like the idea of painting and selling something that is not a painting.” (Tougo)

“I suppose…” (Laocles)

“…I don’t like the fact that I’m going to hate painting while I’m doing it.” (Tougo)

　When I said this, Laocles nodded his head in understanding.

　That’s right. …After all, I think that choosing painting as a profession is different from just painting.

　Painting becomes an obligation. I would have to prioritize work over my feelings. In the process of doing so, I may lose track of where my feelings are.

　In my case, moreover, there is a fine line between “painting” and “creating from the painting”. I feel like I’m going to lose sight of the line between painting and materializing something.

“If I hated painting, I’d probably not be me but another person.” (Tougo)

“……oh.” (Laocles)

　Above all, painting is like a pillar that supports who I am. If I hated painting, I probably wouldn’t be me anymore.

　I don’t want to do that… and then.

　Furthermore.

“What scares me more than anything is what happens after that…” (Tougo)

　After that.

If I try to solve all the problems that I have to solve in order to make painting my job, without bending my morals… the wall that I have to overcome after that will be incredibly high.

“If I push through all those selfishness to paint, I have to be good enough to be recognized by many people, and in the first place, I have to be…” (Tougo)

　I breathe once.

　I’m breathing fast. My heart is galloping. I shouldn’t say it

　But I have to put it into words.

“To make a career out of painting, I have to be accepted by others. …Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of.” (Tougo)

　I’m afraid that I need to be accepted.

　It was quiet for a while.

　My mind kept swirling with events at school and at home. They were all either scary memories or bad memories or a combination of both, and the scenes, the voices, the stares, everything was flooding in and crushing me.