The Goddess Realizes

“…Something is off.”

“…Yup.”

These words were uttered by a single male student. Nobody needed to question what he was talking about. Classes had ended for the day, and the sound of pens running along the paper filled the room, despite this not being any kind of club activity. Everybody around, especially the third-years, had an unnatural amount of documents next to them. Undoubtedly, now that summer break had ended, the work as a culture festival committee member continued without mercy.

What didn’t feel natural was the attitude of said third-year seniors. The moment they began their work, they showed the attitude of pulling along their juniors, emitting sheer confidence, but now that some time had passed, they instead lowered their heads to those very juniors with apologetic expressions, showing their blank documents.

Including Aika herself, all the first-years were baffled. That in itself may not have been as bad. However, the second-years showed clear disbelief and distrust towards the third-years. Amidst this stiff and heavy atmosphere, the first-years were stumped.

“—Sorry. That’s all for today.”

It was time for everyone to pack up, as the school would close soon. They were forced to stop their hands, rushed to gather their belongings, and dispersed.

“Um, Sasaki-kun…”

“Well, that’ll give us less of a burden in the long run. You don’t have to worry about it, Natsukawa.”

“Okay…”

The male classmate of Aika snuck some documents into his bag, showing a wry smile. Both of them knew that this wasn’t something he should do, but the situation forced him to. Aika thought of bringing home some documents herself, but she decided against it as she didn’t want to carry the responsibility if something went wrong.

“Sorry, I’ll be going home first. See you tomorrow.”

“Ah, yeah. Bye.”

He showed a somewhat troubled expression while looking at his phone, and hurriedly left the classroom. Apparently, his younger sister was awfully clingy lately, which only stressed him out more. Imagining the sight of his younger sister acting like that, Aika felt a bit jealous.

I wonder why…

These busy, restless days felt so nostalgic, overlapping with past memories. However, compared to back then, Aika now felt fulfilled. After all, the things and the people with her were different from before. Although they were all conversations that didn’t happen face to face, they were undoubtedly places Aika belonged to. Because of that, she managed to deal with the exhaustion. And, there was one more thing today.

“…Ah…”

“Hm?”

As she headed to the front entrance, she spotted a person she didn’t expect to see—Sajou Wataru. Normally, he’d be in the go-home club, but for some reason, he was standing there. In that, Aika was a bit doubtful, but she didn’t voice those doubts. That’s not what was important. She didn’t even think about that, as she found herself panicking.

Their conversation started out from a weird angle. The entire time, she was merely spacing out. She didn’t even remember changing into her outdoor shoes, when she saw long shadows stretching out before her.

A lively conversation followed. Sometimes, her tongue wouldn’t listen to her. Occasionally, she lost the timing to speak up, but it was definitely a much more fulfilling time than just texting. Has something like this ever happened before? She found herself asking for more. In the past, she had way too many things to take care of, unable to act freely. As a result of that experience, she now welcomed this kind of feeling. And despite that, while enjoying her days to the fullest, a deep desire of ‘This isn’t enough’ kept growing inside of her. She wanted to have more fun. Much more profound…much deeper…

“Y-Y-You…! I heard you were still chasing after Natsukawa-san, but you finally managed to win her over!?”

“Wha…!?”

Like she had been slapped in the face, Aika’s thought process stopped instantly.

Eh…?

“…Hey!! Will you shut up already, Haru!!”

An unfamiliar voice, filled with rage, rang out, which left Aika terrified. She finally managed to grasp the daily life she wanted, together with the smile of her younger sister. So that she wouldn’t lose that, she’d been living her days on and on. It appeared as if she was desperate to not lose the ‘Right now’ that she forgot something very important. Deep inside her heart, there was something she had thrown away. Since she was satisfied right now, she thought that she didn’t need it anymore, and acted like it never existed.

“—We’re not like that anymore.”

“Ah…”

Like that. She understood what that meant. But, love, going out, she didn’t know what exactly that involved. She didn’t even have the time to focus on that, as she had other things that needed her attention. Annoying, stop, bother—Like that, she had scolded the boy. Back at that time, his actions were nothing but an eyesore.

After living her days as a high school student, filled with hope and ambition, he suddenly apologized, and told her these confusing words. She understood what he was talking about, and although she was surprised, she didn’t think too deeply about it. However, she forgot about the loss. She felt like the things she earned herself now would vanish from her hand. And like this, before she even realized, something seemed to have ended, and wasn’t the same anymore.

Because of this sudden happening, she couldn’t properly move or act, but her memories flashed before her eyes. The gestures and expressions, even the contents of her conversation with him, who she had treated like an insect before. She already forgot his face from when she hurt him. But, thinking back to it now, she felt a severe pain deep inside her chest, tightening up everything.

“We’re friends, just friends. Not the kind of relationship you think we have.”

………She couldn’t move. It was hot, yet cold. This gross sensation, it felt the exact same during the times she looked up at the ceiling at night, feeling uncertainty towards her own future.

He was talking with a former classmate of his. As their conversation progressed, the shadows on the ground grew longer. Their voices reaching her ears felt so distant. It was almost like she wasn’t herself, just observing the scenery. Only then did the boy turn towards her.

“Well…sorry, Natsukawa. Haru went and made everything messy.”

This having happened out of the blue, her shoulders twitched in shock. Fearful that he would think of this reaction as suspicious, she carefully raised her head. Through that, she realized that the girl she just met for the first time was gone, and only a wry smile on his face remained.

Eh…Eh…?

Not even a moment ago, he, Sajou Wataru, had been at Aika’s left side, delivering a bright color to her otherwise grey afternoon. Now, he spoke with a tone that reminded Aika of back then. It made her feel like everything leading up to this point hadn’t even happened. Suddenly, a sense of reality assaulted her. It felt like she reached the ground again. As she gave a vague response, she tried to organize her thoughts, and by the time she managed to get the ball rolling, her familiar path home appeared in front of her.

“Then…I have to go this way. See you tomorrow.”

“Ah…H-Hey!”

As he was about to make his way home, she reflexively called out to him. Her desire for him to wait was much stronger than any kind of restraint. She needed time to order her thoughts, to calm down her confusion. At the very least, she needed to understand what had just happened.

“W-Well…that Haru-san just now…” She kept her words short, but tried to connect them.

That’s right, she wouldn’t let everything disappear just like that. She didn’t plan on leaving it aside. She knew that the reason he raised his voice like that wasn’t unrelated to her. It was clear that he tried to be considerate, but she didn’t feel like relying on him like that. She couldn’t turn a blind eye to that. ‘A relationship that has ended’? ‘Nothing but friends’? First time she heard of that. She didn’t even think about that. She couldn’t properly put it into words, but just nodding along to his declaration towards his old friend would make her heart hurt. She found herself unable to accept this conversation without having any say in it.

She felt like she had cold water poured on her. These bright days of hers now just seemed like she was running away from reality. Because if she looked straight ahead of her, she would become unable to correctly interact with the boy.

“W-Wataru…do you still…”

Still—what? What was she about to ask? She didn’t even need to confirm it. After all, his resolute feelings were directed at none other than Aika herself.

—Since when?

Since when…had she forgotten? Forgotten that they were in this kind of relationship. Normally, talking as nonchalantly as they were right now was utterly unthinkable. They weren’t on such terms that they would head back home from school together. After enrolling high school, she was so full of other things to do that she didn’t have any time for anybody else, and yet now that she could afford to do something else, she…

I see…Wataru is…

She looked through her memories, and found the timing he started to add weird. Back then, Aika still didn’t fully fit into her class, only avoiding the boy in front of her. She may have even been thinking about what she should do in order to get along with them better. Something…she was told something from him after he had changed. However, she just assumed that he would be back to normal after waking up, so she didn’t give it much thought.

‘Natsukawa—’

‘Eh…’

He suddenly changed his way of addressing her. Although it left her baffled, he still showed a pleasant and reassuring smile—at a comfortable distance. She once again was confused, but didn’t have any problem with it. She simply felt relief at him being there.

Was it…just me…?

Did only she…not think about anything? They were often together at school, he was someone she would naturally talk to, and never leave her despite how much she rejected him. She didn’t need to worry about anything, not think about anything. Was she the only one who saw this as her daily life?

Confessing affection, being confessed to. Rejecting, and being rejected—that kind of relationship. This had continued over and over, and Aika had stopped taking those feelings serious all-together. After all, with a single rejection, their relationship could have ended entirely. Normally, this kind of relationship could break apart at any given moment.

He’s been…thinking about it the entire time?

Why? Why what? He confessed his feelings, and Aika rejected him. That’s why he had to reconsider his actions. However, you just stacked numbers, stacking steps in order to reach the obvious. She originally had kept her words serious, and straightforward. And now, she acted like it never even happened.

“…Sorry, it’s nothing…”

‘Just friends’—those words she couldn’t even swallow properly sounded like absolute luxury to her the more she thought about it. Did he really think of them as friends? Or, did he just keep it at that level? What if his texts, his kindness, his smiles—were just him being considerate? Him acting? Because…if that was the case—

I-I also…

She couldn’t bear to see it break apart. She wouldn’t dare to break it apart. He kept thinking about it this entire time, and continued to uphold it. As she had been spoiled by this, relied on this, she couldn’t suddenly act like a related party and forcefully enter.

“—You seem to be tired, so let’s leave it at this for today. Just standing around won’t do either of us any good.”

“…Eh?”

“Airi-chan must be waiting for you as well.”

“Ah, yeah…”

“…See you tomorrow.”

Aika remembered his face back when he was constantly chasing her, waiting for her response like a small child. Unlike back then, he showed no sort of excitement and interest in her. After the sensation of his sleeve left her fingers, the warmth was carried away by the breeze passing them by. And—he didn’t turn around a second time.

*

It was an unfamiliar room. Or rather, she had seen it before. She came here once before. When she looked down in front of her, a white mug stood on the dining table. Taking a peek inside, it turned out to be empty, with nothing inside. It was just a dry mug standing there.

‘I’m sorry about that, Natsukawa.’

—Eh…?

The boy sitting across the table from her suddenly lowered his head. Aika was baffled because of this abrupt apology. Seeing the brown hair with black at its roots, she felt somewhat nostalgic. She held no discomfort that he was with her.

“Not being shocked after being rejected, getting used to getting hit. Thinking about it, it’s just crazy, right’.

Although Aika was confused where that even came from, she agreed with what he was saying. It’d be troublesome if someone got used to being hurt. What he argued about was absolutely correct, but an odd pressure filled her chest when she tried to nod along.

Where did that—Eh?

The words she tried to speak out loud made no sound. She could merely look at the boy’s face, as he spoke. But, she didn’t doubt herself despite being like that. Not to mention that she never truly grasped the words thrown at her.

‘Being rejected should shock me, being hit should blast me away. Being hated means I shouldn’t approach you any more. This is how human relationships work—That’s why, from now on, I’ll try to be careful of this ‘obvious’ mood in the air. I’ll keep it down as well, so, you know, let’s get along in the future as well.’

That won’t work.

She heard these words, and sighed in disbelief. What is he saying with such a self-important face…Read the mood? Keep it down? That was something he never managed to do until that point. No matter how much she rejected him, no matter how much she insulted him, he never left her alone. Just what mouth is uttering all that nonsense?

‘Don’t follow me, okay!’

‘Yeah.’

What mouth is—

‘A-Are you really not coming…?’

‘Eh…?’

……

Huh…?

There, something didn’t feel right. Weird…It was almost like she had experienced this sense of discomfort before. Like she wanted to grasp something, but only touched water, or when she wanted to touch the water, but it turned out to be air. It felt like something slipped through her fingers, leaving her disappointed.

She knew that Sajou Wataru. She had seen him bent and change, pulling back like it was perfectly normal. He had disappeared from her side. All this time he should have been with her, he now sat away from her in the classroom, talking with someone else. All of this gathered to create this sense of urgency. It was an emotion she couldn’t feel comfortable about. It was almost like her reason for existing was getting weaker.

She got many more friends after that, even having them visit her home. Despite that, this place she belonged to, that place that should have been always with her now felt like it melted away. As if to fight this fulfilling sensation she gained, something else seemed like it melted through her fingers.

‘Someone as gross and bad of an influence as I am shouldn’t get too close to you, right?’

Stop. I get it. I know you’re trying to keep your distance from me. You look at me, leaving me alone to not anger me. That’s why, stop—

‘We’re not like that anymore.’

Don’t leave me—

*

“……!?”

Dawn. Inside the dimly-lit room existed no sound. Even though she had just woken up, she didn’t feel dizzy at all. When she moved her knee, she heard the sound of a towel rubbing against her skin. The way her sweaty hair was glued to her skin was disgusting to say the least.

“…Wataru.”

She could only remember two things. First, the name of the person who appeared in her dream, and the fact that she couldn’t look at his face anymore, thus not remembering it. It was a terrifying dream. The details had already left her mind. The question if she had fun was answered with the sweat running down from her neck to her chest.

…Idiot…

She knew that she was venting out her anger. After all, this dream she just had surely was because of this confusing emotion born inside of her on the day prior to this. Because of these gloomy and hazy feelings building up inside her chest, she couldn’t sleep properly.

She removed the charging cable from her smartphone that rested next to her pillow. Because of the bright light coming from the screen, she was forced to narrow her eyes. Even so, she tapped on the screen, opening up a group chat of friends, which included ‘him’. She tried to move her finger towards the input space, but…there, she realized. She didn’t have any right to nonchalantly talk to him anymore.

“…Idiot.”

She didn’t feel sluggish at all. The reason she woke up was simply from the leftover heat that was too much to bear. Putting on a towel for her sleep was too much after all. Looking at the time, it was just half past 4am, with nobody next to her. How great it would have been to wake up with her younger sister.

…I’m not sleepy.

It was quite the early time to get up, but not that rare. As everything in her life revolved around her little sister, this was a time where she would often get up. Thanks to that, she didn’t feel like falling back down in her bed again. Since today was a normal school day, if she got up now, she could lessen the burden of her mother. Perfect then. She used the sheet to wipe her sweaty back and beneath her chest, and got up.