The Goddess Thinks

“Natsukawa-san, and Sasaki-kun, could I ask you to help with the middle schooler’s school visit?”

“Eh…?”

Right after summer break started, during my activities for the culture festival execution committee. Sasaki-kun and I headed towards the north building, when our homeroom teacher Ootsuki-sensei lowered her head towards us. Because of this unfamiliar choice of words, I couldn’t help but return a baffled question.

“On the 6th of August, we have all the third-years come to school. On that day, middle school students from several schools will be visiting our school, and I was hoping that I could task you with showing a group of them around.”

“Huh, that’s news to me. But, why me and Natsukawa? We’ve barely been attending this school for four months…”

Since Sasaki-kun said what I was thinking, I nodded along. I feel like the third-years would be a better fit to show the potential new first-years around. Asking some newbies like us doesn’t make much sense.

“About that. I can’t really say it out loud, but…This school is requesting the most good-looking students for that duty. And, when I showed them the pictures of the first years, they told me to ask you two.”

“Eh, good-looking?”

I couldn’t hide my surprise considering I never expected our school to uphold such a practice. I can’t really judge myself regarding my personality, but I do feel happy being praised for my good looks. However, hearing that the school was talking about me in that kind of way didn’t feel too comfortable all the same.

“I know that you’re part of the culture festival execution committee, so you’ll be at school often anyway. I get that you’re busy, but please! Can’t you help me out there?” She clapped her hands together, to which Sasaki-kun and I exchanged glances.

Leaving aside their intention with it, I did feel proud to be asked to show around the potential next first-years. That being said, I could also see myself unable to speak because of the tension.

“Natsukawa, how about we agree to that? We might get to see the faces of the next first-years, you know?”

“Eh? Yeah…”

Seems like Sasaki-kun is rather positive about it. Since I wasn’t given much time to think about it, I just went with the flow and agreed…Only to immediately regret that decision. But, I myself felt like being more positive myself.

“Really!? Thank you so much, you two! Then, I’ll let Matsumoto-sensei know!”

“Yes! Tell us if you have more information!”

“Leave it to me!”

“Um…”

The conversation moved faster than I could keep up, with Ootsuki-sensei already dashing away. And with that, I was given the duty of showing around the middle schoolers on the day of the school visit. I was showing myself a wry smile, but realized that I’d be here at school two times a week anyway, so as long as I don’t get overwhelmed by tension on that day, everything should be fine.

“Culture festival, school visit, and my own club…It sure has gotten busy lately.”

“Yeah…you’re right.”

Whenever we’re working with the execution committee, Sasaki-kun would always come talk to me. It’s true that he visited my home before, but I don’t think we were close enough for us to constantly talk like that. Still, it felt like he was being considerate of me.

So, after giving a vague comment, we returned to the committee meeting room. I do feel bad for Sasaki-kun, but there are many times I just can’t get motivated for work. That being said, I wouldn’t just let Sasaki-kun do all the work…or so I told myself, but not much of the meeting entered my head after that.

*

“—This year’s culture festival slogan is [Brand New World ~Onwards to a new Age~]. That’s why, I’d like to bring something new and fresh to this culture festival.”

Most of the committee members had been decided by rock paper scissors in their respective classes, but maybe because this is more of a high-level and prestigious school, most of them were taking these preparations seriously. Maybe because last year’s theme was ‘Legends’, they’re trying out a new direction this year.

“As for the first-years, you must know because you probably came here last year, but the scale is actually bigger than most culture festivals around. Not to mention that we have to properly take care of the great amount of visitors, to the point where the entire town may be involved, so we need to put our all into this.”

Maybe it’s because the school allows for a lot of freedom with their students, but the president of the culture festival execution committee, Hasegawa-senpai, is very talented. He’s properly pulling us first-years along, and is definitely trying to make this culture festival a success. That’s where a lot of my motivation comes from as well.

“During this summer break, we need to confirm as to how much budget it would cost us before the real preparations begin. The local managers, graduates, citizens—depending on their support this year, we can adjust our plans. In other words, we need to clear a certain number of supporters. We should be able to get last year’s supporters from the name register.”

“Then, the third-years should probably look for new supporters. We could hang out advertisements for requests at the governmental office or the public halls.”

“But, the existing backers we have should be enough for our culture festival. And, I think it’s better that we instead put more focus on those backers we already had, and made sure that they stayed with us.”

“So we split up the third-years, and one half goes to take care of the existing backers. Maybe the first-years would be best off gathering the registers and the expected budget.”

With the third-years as the center, there was a rapid exchange of opinions, and we first-years were basically left out just listening to the ideas being thrown around, leading us all of us being utterly confused. However, with all these Senpais, and how reliable they sounded, I’m sure that it’ll be fine if we just leave it to them.

On our first meeting, we decided on the slogan, the second meeting was devoted to the outline, and this time the actual contents of our work were decided. To be perfectly honest, we’ve pretty much been only sitting around. To a level where I was worried if we’d be making it in time. And, while spacing out pretty much the entire time, my ‘Today’ ended.

“So…Natsukawa, how about you come check out the soccer club for a change of pace?”

“Eh?”

“Well, it seemed like you were spacing out a lot.”

It seems like Sasaki-kun was being considerate of me. It might be a good change of pace, but I also don’t want to get in the way of his actual practice. Not to mention that I don’t even have that much time myself.

“Thanks. But, I need to take care of Airi…”

“I-I see. Well, can’t be helped them. Sorry to suddenly invite you like that.”

“No, it’s fine.”

He’s good at playing soccer, athletic in general, and very considerate, so I think he’s pretty amazing. I can understand why many girls in our class think of him as cool, and handsome. Now that he even went as far as to invite me to his club, I actually feel kind of bad.

*

Once 3pm rolled around, most students headed to their club, so I was all alone at the front of the school building. When I heard all the distant voices from the students, I oddly enough found myself thinking ‘Why did I leave before everybody else?’. Almost like I’m not normal…

“…?”

Met with these regrettable feelings, it felt like something was off. It’s almost like I’m denying my usual life. Even though my beloved little sister was waiting at home.

“…I can’t.”

Taking care of Airi is part of my daily routine. Although helping with the culture festival execution committee is a given, and has its worth, I honestly wouldn’t know if I was having fun or not. Several days passed with those feelings, and I found it harder to forgive myself for that. If I were to accept this, I’d just feel bad towards Airi.

“……”

This gloomy, and uncertain feeling plaguing me…I feel like I had this before. It’s like a deja-vu I can’t put into words. I found myself uncertain of everything around me, and the more I tried to suppress it, the stronger it became. I wonder what it is.

So far……Wataru was with me. Last year, and the year before that, Wataru was by my side, and everytime he appeared in front of me, I’d give an exhausted ‘Again?’, utterly dumbfounded by his stupidity, as he’d carry my shoppings halfway to my house. At home, Mom and Airi would be there, and Dad would arrive home later with some souvenirs.

Ahh, that’s why I feel so bored right now. Back then, there was never a moment where I was truly alone. If I was bored or had nothing to do, Wataru or other classmates would take me off somewhere, and I was feeling fulfilled thanks to that. So then, what is this complicated feeling about? Why do I feel nostalgia with this?

When Airi was born, I was still in grade school. She was my one and only little sister. She possessed the cuteness of an angel, and I remember vividly about how I really treasured her. At the same time, I made up my mind to become a proper and reliable older sister. Thanks to that, Mom and Dad would always shower me with love, as we spent fulfilling days in a new home, as a family.

Around the same time as I graduated from grade school, Dad was attempting to copy a co-worker who changed his profession, but failed. Unable to get back into his former job, he pretty much spent the next year and a half looking for a job. After that, he somehow managed to get on track better than his former job, but the time until then was pretty rough as we just settled in after all.

Around one year after giving birth to Airi, Mom started working part-time as well. Feeling worried about her constitution, I helped with the housework, and tried to take care of everything myself. I mean, the situation forced me to do so, I guess. I got up early in the morning to start the laundry, and prepared the lunch boxes in the meantime. After hanging up the laundry to dry, I would head to middle school.

Upon returning home, I would ask Mom about dinner, go out shopping for the ingredients, and have her make it while taking care of Airi. As I was dealing with my physical growth, my adolescence just inflicted more uncertainty and fear into me. Being forced to deal with both of those, I went on with my days, living every single day individually.

My days became stale. Showing my exhausted expression to the innocent Airi is still one of my greatest sins up to this day. That’s why, in order to make up for that time, I’m willing to offer her all the love I have—that is what I swore when normality returned. What really threw me off was the difference to my surroundings. Other girls were acting like real girls their age, playing and having fun, looking into popular fashion, watching TV shows or idols.

While feeling jealous of them, I even became unable to understand the people around me from time to time, and while declining any sort of invitation, I just spent day after day. ‘Ahh, this isn’t how things are supposed to be’, is what I thought in the first term of my second year in middle school. I was always in the corner of the classroom, wondering why it was always me who’d be left with this boring life. I reached my limit.

‘—Um! Thank you very much for yesterday!’

That’s when Wataru appeared. In the rainy season, he slipped on the vinyl floor because of the summer moisture. That day, I couldn’t finish my lunch box in time, so I decided to grab something to eat from the cafeteria. There, in the middle of the cafeteria, I spotted a boy who’s tray had flipped upside down. I can’t blame him because of all the circumstances, and I’m sure that it could have happened to anybody.

At the same time, the boy was just staring at his surroundings, his face distorted in pain as he sat on the floor. I still remember how everybody tried their hardest not to look. Seeing his eyes overflowing with void and absolute despair…I couldn’t help but sympathize with him. Almost subconsciously, I grabbed the tray, and started picking up the food and tableware scattered on the floor. This must be rough for you, I understand you—I didn’t say it out loud, but these words were what I tried to convey with my gaze. Soon after, the lady from the cafeteria came with cleaning utensils, and the three of us cleaned up the mess until no trace of it was left anymore.

‘Natsukawa Aika-san, I fell in love with your kindness. Please, won’t you go out with me?’

Three days later, he called me to the back of the school like we were inside some drama or manga, and confessed to me. Back then, it honestly passed right by me. With how busy I was, I never saw myself dating anybody. Of course, that’s the reason I used to reject him. But, that—was only the beginning of Wataru’s fierce approaches.

‘That was the first time somebody ever sincerely faced me.’

Being told something along those lines, he started to come to my side day after day. On top of me resenting this daily treatment, he became an annoying existence almost, and I’m pretty sure I threw some harsh words at him. At the same time, at the end of it all—Wataru learned of everything that was embarrassing to me.

‘—Natsukawa-san, could you help me with this problem?’

‘—Hey, can I call you by your name? Please, let me call you Aika!’

‘—Aika, I’ll hold your stuff, so let’s go together.’

The boy Sajou Wataru was always clinging to me. He started appearing during my shopping trips after school, showing clear stalker tendencies. This fierce attack became known with the other students of our school year, and everyone knew of my name.

‘Natsukawa-san, you’re being followed by this weird boy, right? Must be hard for you.’

‘Natsukawa-san is really cute after all~ We’ll protect you!’

I don’t know what kind of sympathy drove them to that, but more and more people gathered around me. They were worried about Wataru’s treatment towards me, and would even talk to me between classes. When Mom was taking time off work, I first brought over some friends from school. Wataru apparently heard of that, offered to bring some boys along, and the girls eventually consented. It was a lot of ruckus and chaos, but…it was fun. Really fun.

For a short period of time when we became examinees for our high school exams, Wataru started to give me some more free time, which allowed me to focus on my studies. Together with my other girl friends, we would study a lot, and I was focussing on the high-level Kouetsu High School, because the school expenses were fairly cheap there. These days weren’t easy, but at least they were not as boring as my previous days.

‘So that I won’t burden my family’ was my driving force behind all the efforts I put into my studies, and I managed to pass the entrance exams for Kouetsu High. What surprised me was Wataru, waiting for me on the day I received the notice of that. He was fairly docile as of late, and I remember hearing something from him along the lines of ‘Ahh, we’re at the same school, huh. Great job, Aika’. I’m sure he must have been relieved to know someone at that new school, and the same was the case for me.

After that, despite being surrounded by many people, he blurted out something unbelievable.

‘I wanted to attend the same school as Aika after all!’

Flustered, I pulled him to an empty location, and gave him an earful. Oddly enough, he begged me to call him by his given name, and I reluctantly accepted. After the entrance ceremony at high school, Wataru once again confessed his feelings to me. I already forgot how many times he threw these same words at me, as I’ve heard them countless times in middle school already.

Although my boorish and worthless days had finally ended, I didn’t have the desire to go out with anybody. Not to mention that I really started to think of Wataru as annoying. Though, I doubt that telling him to give it a rest reached his ears anymore. Once high school began, Wataru was yet again following me. Because it was such a straight-forward approach, the girls around me were quite shocked. One of these girls turned out to be ‘Ashida Kei’.

‘Natsukawa-san sure is popular~’

‘T-That guy is just stalking me…’

I was trying to show my disgust with that reaction, but Kei just started laughing, and talked to me. I think she’s the first friend I introduced to Airi. She’s very reliable, and just like her, many other people started talking to me solely because Wataru was clinging to me. Although it’s different from what I anticipated, it’s also not like things went in middle school. With these hopes and aspirations, my high school life started.

Until now, my days were stressful, club was exhausting, and helping at home was not easy by any means, but my days were fulfilling, being surrounded by so many people.

‘I’m sorry about that, Natsukawa.’

It happened so abruptly, I couldn’t follow at all. What was he talking about? He just selfishly clung to me, always approaching me, and yet suddenly left me alone. With that as the trigger, he started to stay a bit more distanced. Right after, I wasn’t really shocked at all, and instead was happy to be free, thinking ‘Now I finally get to enjoy a peaceful student life’—and yet, something felt off.

Wataru started talking with a cute brown-haired girl. Her name was Aizawa-san, and Kei was on rather difficult terms with her. Seeing the three of them, it felt like they left me behind and went on ahead. However, shortly after, Kei and Aizawa-san suddenly got along, but I was never told what exactly happened.

It felt like something was missing, something was lacking. Our seats changed, with Wataru and Kei sitting further away from me, and the two started talking more. Something bad grew inside of me—I also want to be there.

I thought of getting up and talking to them, but my legs wouldn’t move. In what way did I even call out to them before? Unable to make up my mind, I just watched them from afar. Then, some classmates visited my home. Everybody treated Airi very kindly, which made me happy, but the fact that Wataru suddenly acted strange, and didn’t insist on joining had me feel conflicted again. Even though he was always so clingy before—these irrational feelings built up inside of me.

During the visit, my classmate Sasaki-kun picked up Airi, and played with her. She seemed to be having fun, and yet it felt like something was out of place as I watched them, so I eventually broke between them. An odd emotion filled me, something I couldn’t accept…I immediately understood what that was, but that confused me even more, as I was lost on why I would hold such an emotion. This contradiction was born inside of me, and I grew agitated. I didn’t want Sasaki-kun to be the first boy Airi got along with.

Failing to hide this emotion, Kei got angry at me. I told her what I truly felt, and she forced me to reveal this to Wataru. Embarrassed, unable to stay there, I just ran away. With the ridiculous excuse of wanting to overwrite ‘Sasaki-kun’ in Airi’s head, I dragged Wataru to my place. Thinking about it rationally, what I did was pretty ridiculous. Despite me being desperate about not wanting him to meet Airi, I was having weird expectations from him. But, if I didn’t do that, this gloomy and hazy feeling inside of me would not go away.

Wataru was really bad at picking up Airi. That’s why I told him the right way to carry her. Airi must have enjoyed that, as she used up way more energy than before, fully relying on Wataru to join her. Wataru accepting her in that way, and reaching the same line of sight of her, was too funny, I couldn’t hold back a giggle. I did feel a bit guilty towards him, but I was really happy that he joined Airi until she was fully exhausted. Seeing that, I felt this sense of discomfort in my chest vanish entirely.

Later, Wataru collapsed. My head turned blank, I couldn’t think about anything. I found myself confused, wishing for something I normally wouldn’t. Hearing from the school nurse Shindou-sensei that it was a simple cold, I was relieved. Even Kei grew pale after seeing him break down like that, and I agreed. That just showed how much of an important existence Wataru became for us, and only then did I realize.

For the first time since I became a high school student, summer break allowed me to spend more time with my family. Since I was only working as an execution committee member two times a week, I enjoyed most of my time with Airi, or joined the conversations on our group chats. Wataru would join in here and there, and seeing the other boys retort on his stupid exclamations had me snicker. When I showed it to Airi, she tilted her head in confusion, which had me laugh even more.

A few days passed like that. The group messages started to calm down, and we basically just told each other what we did over the course of the day. Seeing some people head to karaoke or bowling, or talk about this and that store, had me feel jealous.

Kei is busy with her club. I do check on the group chat on a daily basis, but Wataru didn’t say anything. At the same time, I spend my days with my committee work, and playing with Airi. However, neither Kei nor Wataru were at school…and it made me feel something the middle school me would have never felt.

—Loneliness.

Somewhere inside of me, I had already known. With Kei not around to brighten up the mood, I end up all alone, and helpless. At the same time, despite being so against him, wishing he was gone, I felt an emotion different of hate towards Wataru. How selfish of me, and how childish all the more. At the same time as I was falling into such self-hate, I felt shocked that I was bored with just having Airi around me.

This produced even greater guilt. A feeling of inferiority towards Kei, because I can’t be as cheerful and engaging as she is. Not to mention these contradictory feelings towards Wataru. My heart that should have felt fulfilled suddenly seemed so empty that it shocked me—and I couldn’t even cry.