Forward, No Matter What

I apologized to Sasaki-kun and moved away from the soccer field. He smiled, and nodded while saying ‘Got it.’ That smile is still glued to my mind. When the meeting of the committee ended, Wataru left the room looking like he still had work to do. He probably headed to a room nearby, or maybe the student council office. It’s been around one hour since that…so he might still be at school.

—Are you really going?

My legs started moving, but they felt awfully heavy. I sensed an odd pressure filling my chest, pulling me deeper into an abyss. Right now, I might get in the way of his work. Maybe he doesn’t have an answer after all? Should I really be acting like this now? Maybe I should calm down, and think things through again. He might see me as a nuisance after all. He might see me as an annoying girl. Or maybe he won’t feel anything at all?

Back on that day during the last summer break, I didn’t think about anything. When my job was done, Wataru was already gone, and I found myself disappointed…sad. That’s why, when I saw his familiar back that time, I started running without thinking. Back then, I wasn’t this conflicted. I feel scared to hear how Wataru truly feels. The courage to run without thinking is something I lack right now.

“Ah…”

I arrived at the front entrance, checking Wataru’s shoe locker to find his outdoor shoes still present. He’s not part of any club. But knowing Wataru, he probably was off somewhere working still. I headed for the committee’s room. The hallways were quiet, and it seemed like most students were gone by now. The door to the room was locked, not budging at all. Wataru definitely wasn’t here, and if so—

“Maybe the student council office…”

I knew where it was located. But even so, I never headed there myself. I don’t know what kind of work they have to do, nor how much or hard it was. If there was anything I knew, then it’s the fact that Wataru’s older sister is the student council’s vice president, as well as the top girl of the school. She’s in a position a lot of girls yearn for, surrounded by handsome men. Oh yeah, his older sister sure is something else…

I headed up to the third floor, reaching the office. From the inside, I could hear several voices talking. I couldn’t just waltz in there, but I at least heard the familiar voice of Wataru’s older sister, mentioning Wataru’s name…But, what should I do next?

This is the first time I came here. The only person I know is Wataru’s older sister. And even if I do, just walking in there is out of the picture. It’s not even a problem of having the courage or not, it’ll just create an odd atmosphere.

“…Urk…”

*

I passed by the office and stepped outside on a connecting hallway. From there, I could go up the stairs all the way to the rooftop. The glass door leading inside was open, allowing me to see whenever somebody left the student council office. I sat on the stairs leading up to the rooftop and decided to wait here.

The people inside the student council office seemingly started working as their voices started to fade out. I’ve been hearing that the student council is even busier than the executive committee. I guess they don’t have the time for idle talk. After all, they’re the student council, representing all students. You don’t get in there with light feelings. Especially at this school, where a lot happened behind the scenes. I don’t think all our work at the committee can compare to that. And yet, Wataru’s older sister is working there.

I’m jealous. It’s not that I suddenly want to become the vice president, but I’d like to be someone as inspiring as his older sister. Someone who can do her job, is reliable, and stays true to herself. I didn’t get that kind of image from the stories Wataru told me, but when she stood up on that stage during the ceremonies in the gym hall, she looked really cool. Not to mention that she’s been taking care of Wataru this entire time—Ah, well, err, never mind.

Maybe my feelings of admiration are similar to how Kei feels about the president of the public morals committee Shinomiya-senpai. If I was a woman like her, I might have been able to be more helpful at the culture festival executive committee. I maybe could have supported Wataru a bit more. And then, I’d be more confident about myself—

“More…”

“—Huh?”

“Ah? Oh…”

Our eyes met. I was looking at a girl with honey-brown hair and a short skirt. She’s the person I was just thinking about, the person I admire. She carried a cardboard box that seemed to be filled with posters. She’s Wataru’s older sister—Sajou Kaede-senpai. And right now, she looked at me in shock.

“More…what? Err, did I interrupt something?”

“Y-You’re wrong! That’s not…it’s nothing!”

“I-I see…?”

“Aaaaah…”

She gave me a weird look! She must think I’m weird! I can feel the blood rushing to my head. Something inside of me ended, and I felt all my honor shattering into a thousand pieces. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such an urge to just vanish from this earth. I can’t, I have to leave Airi behind and pass on. No, I can’t. I can’t leave her and burden my parents.

“…Kaede-san? Is someone there?”

“Yeah, some girl……Wait, hold on. Aren’t you…Natsukawa-san?”

“Y-Yesh…”

A senior with glasses appeared from behind Wataru’s older sister. He held a small stepladder in his arms. If I’m not wrong…that should be Kai-senpai. He sometimes pops up as a topic between the girls, a second-year who’s insanely popular. He’s got an admirable reputation and atmosphere to him. Thinking that he saw me just now, I felt even more embarrassed.

“Woah, she’s cute…Wait, no. What were you doing here?”

“Ah, um…I was waiting…”

“Waiting? …Stop, wait, don’t tell me.” Wataru’s older sister seemed perplexed.

“Yes…I was waiting for Wata—Ah?!”

His older sister is right in front of me. That means that she left the student council office. I was so lost in thought, I didn’t even realize it.

“U-Um, where’s Wataru…”

“He left before us.”

“…Huh?”

“Ah, wait, I get it. Let me contact him. He’ll be back here in a heartbeat. No, just wait ten seconds. I swear if he doesn’t answer now…”

“Huh?!”

Wataru left the student council office already. As I was left shocked, his older sister took out her smartphone and started operating it. I heard some ominous words from her, so I subconsciously raised my voice.

“If it’s Sajou-kun, he should still be in the executive committee’s office, no?”

“…!”

“You serious, Taito?”

“Yes. He said he forgot to hand in his laptop, so he borrowed the key from Ishiguro-kun. I don’t think he’s left the school just yet, at least.”

Hearing these words, I shot up. While Wataru’s older sister tapped on her smartphone, she gave me a gaze along the lines of ‘What will you do?’ For some reason, her eyes looked happy. Her eyes were the same as Wataru’s, I found myself entranced.

“Um, I…”

“Ah, well…yeah. He can be a bit of a pain sometimes, but please take care of him. He may not have any delicacy, but he’s good at listening to orders. Feel free to push him around as much as you’d like.”

“Ye—Wait, what?”

I almost nodded to that, but I realized a second later that what she was saying was oddly aggressive and terrifying. I heard that she was a bit of a delinquent at one point in time, but the image of her in my head is a kind older sister, who came rushing when she heard that Wataru collapsed. It probably just felt that way to Wataru, yep.

“Also…um…sorry about showing you such a scary side of me before. That’s all I wanted to say.” She turned her back towards me and headed for the west school building.

Kai-senpai showed somewhat of a bitter smile and followed after her. Scary side of me, she says. Is she talking about the time she tried to make Wataru stop working with Ishiguro-senpai and the executive committee? Well, she did seem scary back then, but I could tell that she was worried about her younger brother. I do respect her for that, and I don’t think of her as scary. But even more than that—I want to know why Wataru had worked this hard.

I apologized in my mind only and headed for the school building that had the committee office. Because the sun had started to set, the hallways felt a lot darker than before, and the light entering lost its radiance. I reached the area close to my goal. The hallway was as empty as before, and the only sounds I could hear were from the sports clubs outside. I was starting to doubt the fact that Wataru was around here somewhere. But even so…

“—Ah.”

One of the doors to the culture festival executive committee office was open. I took one step after another, heading my way over there. It’s like the faint bit of orange light from outside guided my way. I could feel my body tensing up, making my feet heavier. But a faint breeze entered the hallway, pushing my back.

I’m scared. I’m really scared, but I want to know. I want to meet him. Shadows formed in the classroom as I took a peek inside. The faint bit of orange made the dust floating through the air sparkle. Since I never joined any club in middle or high school, this kind of scenery was something I had never seen before. I spotted a single boy standing next to the windows.

“—And off we………Huh?”

“…Ah…”

He got up from the desk and caught on to my presence. His faint smile immediately changed into an expression of shock. The light in his eyes was the same as his older sister’s. The profile of his I had seen just a few seconds ago…was burned into my mind.

“……”

“……”

I could tell that he was bewildered. It was the same when I met him that lunch break, but as long as it’s not work-related, he stays the Wataru I know. My worries and anxiety aren’t fully gone, but I could feel myself having calmed down at least a bit.

“N-Natsukawa…?”

“Y-Yeah…”

Wataru approached me on unsteady feet, rubbing his eyes like he couldn’t believe himself. I gave a response, to which he took two steps backward. His gestures felt like they came straight out of an anime or drama, and it almost made me laugh. As he stepped backward, I now moved a step towards him.

“A-A goddess…”

“Wha…”

It felt like that came out of nowhere. He called me that many times before in the past. Before, I had heard this same phrase to the point I was tired of it, and yet now it made me feel so nostalgic.

“Where did that…!”

“Ah, well, you know…the setting sun, and all…”

“T-That’s…”

My head can’t keep up. After the executive committee disbanded and I talked with Sasaki-kun, I thought about all sorts of things. Stuff I wanted to ask him, stuff I didn’t understand, all of it now mixed together into a squishy mess. Something passionate and scorching hot that made my head boil created a voice, not allowing me to keep a logical thought. I myself stopped understanding the words I said out loud.

This isn’t it. This isn’t what I wanted. I desperately attempted to get my head and feelings under control. A goddess—I’m not that important or great of a person, really. If anything, I don’t have the confidence to even compare myself to a normal person. I’m aware that every single day since I was little, I relied on my parents, my relatives, and my classmates. However, I don’t think of that as the reason. After all, I was the one who made myself this empty.

I thought I tried my best. I thought I suffered enough. I thought I made it past that wall after worrying about it over and over. And yet, why is my heart such a mess right now? It’s easy, I’ve been wearing the mask of a talented and confident person, and I don’t want to admit that I’m actually not that important of existence after all. I’m not a goddess, nor am I someone people can rely on. I don’t deserve this respect. I shouldn’t be treated this way. I’m just a child, unwilling to admit that I’m unable to do anything.

I looked at Wataru, who had been stiff this entire time, only for him to avert his face.

“…Also, you’re still here? Knowing you, I expected you to be rushing home so that you can see Airi-chan as quickly as possible.”

Well, yeah. I do feel that way. I treasure Airi more than anything else in this world. If I can protect her smile, I want to be with her as quickly as possible and rush home right now. But even if I were to run now, would I really be able to smile confidently when meeting Airi? I don’t want to ever force a smile again. Besides…

“T-That’s…I was waiting for you…”

“Hm?”

My desire to meet him right now is about as strong. Strong enough to push my back like this. How easy it would be if I could just tell him that. The faint voice escaping my lips whenever I was breathing felt so pathetic, and my fingertips were quivering from the embarrassment. Even so, I’ve made it this far, I don’t want to run away now.

“I-I was…waiting for you…!”

“Wha?”

W-Why doesn’t it get through to him…! I almost just blurted out everything. I tried to hide my embarrassment and forced out a voice to repeat myself. However, only a faint groan could be hurt. The frustration got the better of me, and I faintly started tearing up. Unable to keep my feelings under control, I showed a sharp scowl as I looked at Wataru. To my surprise, he stared at me with a straight face. All of his previous confusion was gone, and so was mine.

“…Hm? Why?”

His eyes were serious like he really didn’t understand anything. There was no worry or anxiety, and it seemed more as if he was trying to filter out my intentions. I could tell that all of his attention was only directed at me. And then, our eyes met. His gaze was filled with determination. He would not look away from me, I almost felt overwhelmed with all this attention. And even though it made me feel pressured to tell him everything I had stored in my heart, I somehow managed to control myself.

“…I wanted…to talk with you…”

“……”

Wataru’s gaze faintly moved, like he was looking inside of me. My body wouldn’t move. Inside of me, my heart, it all felt like I was being stirred up like a hot pot. It felt as if he just played with me as much as he wanted. After he was done doing so, his gaze moved away from me, almost like he had given up on something. The moment that sensation vanished, my breathing accelerated. I felt heat filling my entire body. I embraced my right arm with my left hand. It felt like the mask I was wearing grew weaker.

“Err…do you need advice on something…?” He asked.

“A-Advice…Yeah…I guess I do.”

He’s not entirely wrong. However, I just gave an adequate response, with no time to really think. What I wanted to talk about—before coming here—had taken a clear shape in my chest, and yet it now felt like a water balloon that had burst. Luckily, what erupted from it wasn’t water. Until Wataru spoke again, I tried to get my feelings under control. Somehow, I managed to put my feelings into a clear shape again.

“Oh, really? What’s up?”

“Well, lately…No, even long before that…” I spoke up with a quivering voice.

The words I forced out of my throat felt weak. I was worried if they even properly reached him. Organize my thoughts, put them into words, and tell him. If only I could just do that. But in the end, the first words that came to my mind were the ones I ended up blurting out.

“—Was I…able to help…”

“Huh?”

Of course he’d be confused. How could I expect him to understand my words that had no clear context or content? Only me being annoying was all too clear. I raised my gaze, checking Wataru’s face. He didn’t seem annoyed at all and just showed a reliable expression as if he was waiting for my answer.

“What do you…mean…?” Wataru carefully spoke up.

He gave me another chance to express myself. Now that I think about it, Wataru never once interrupted me. I never thought about it, but he really is a good listener. Even that small glimmer of kindness should normally calm down my heart that is still in disarray. And yet, it made my heart race even faster.

“This time…for example. I just did as I was told…”

“I mean, you’re a first-year, isn’t that normal?”

No, that’s not what I wanted to say. I’m not asking about such an objective view. I want to hear how he saw me in all of that.

“But…”

“…?”

But…but what? I could see myself as part of a TV drama, being the kind of annoying woman who never got to the point. I don’t want him to hate me. My strong desire formed something like a prayer as I looked up at Wataru. He seemed a bit bewildered but still didn’t complain. I’m completely useless right now. I can’t even tell him what I want to. This only strengthened my self-loathing. I found myself looking at him with a begging gaze, wishing for him to guess my feelings.

“No, in my—”

Wataru seemingly felt something, as he looked at me. It was as if he was bothered by something all the same, as he dropped his gaze and started thinking. He’s trying to understand me. I don’t want him to worry. But at the same time, the way he looked so deep in thought just for my sake made me happy. Conveniently enough, he wasn’t looking at me, so I could let out all the heat inside of my body without him realizing it. I stared at Wataru’s face instead, and I couldn’t see myself ever getting tired of it. I spotted a faint change in his expression, and in preparation for his next words, I sealed away my feelings, about to erupt.

“Ah, well…I’m an outsider, right? And what I did was pretty much in the grey area…moving towards black, really. If you think about it, it should be against the rules for a student to pay for outsourcing like that. Can’t say I’ve done well despite being an accomplice.”

“Why…?” I blurted out before thinking.

He made it sound like he didn’t do anything. I couldn’t accept the way he looked down on himself. Until he and Ishiguro-senpai came over, we from the committee saw no hope. It was these two who dragged us out of the dark space we were in. I don’t want him to say that it was all ruined.

“I mean—”

“…Why did you go that far…?”

“Err…Huh?” Wataru was bewildered, which I fully understand.

I don’t want to trouble him. I don’t want to blame him. I fully understand that. I want him to stop saying that right away. But something inside of me put a halt between me and saying what I truly felt. However, the burning heat inside of me pushed words out nonetheless.

“…Why did you do it, Wataru…?”

“That’s—”

“Why…how could you work so hard?”

“…Natsukawa?”

My words may have sounded a bit aggressive, but they were my genuine feelings that I finally managed to get across. Isn’t this good enough? I gave up and tried to explain myself as calmly as possible.

“I was really surprised when I first saw you there. You helped us as if you knew about everything, and next thing you were giving out commands and advice with that senior, even participating in the meetings…When I heard about the repercussions this could have on the student council, I thought you were working this hard to help your older sister.”

“Ah…”

“…But you clearly said that wasn’t the case.”

That was the main reason I became so curious. I wondered why Wataru of all people would go this far if not for his older sister. From then on out, I grew more and more curious.

“T-That was…you know, we’re siblings. We’re too embarrassed to tell each other how much we care. We were never that close to begin with, you know.”

“That’s a lie. I saw you back then. You weren’t trying to hide anything, or said it in the heat of the moment. I’ve known you since middle school.”

“………”

He’s been with me these past two years. He was interested in me and learned a lot about me. However, I also spend all that time with him. His face, expressions, tone of voice…I may not have been actively trying to learn more about him, but I’ve seen lots of his different faces over time. And now, that very Wataru was looking into my eyes.

“…Why are you so desperate to know?”

“……”

For a moment…only a brief moment, I felt a glimmer of agitation and anger in his voice. Wataru returned to the desk he previously sat on, now half leaning against it, and looked back at me again. That sharpness in his expression had already vanished. While my heart was still in disarray, I answered.

“…I-I don’t know.”

“Then it doesn’t matter, right?”

He bluntly threw these words back at me. I could feel clear rejection from Wataru’s gaze like he didn’t want to say it no matter what. A gloomy and uncertain feeling continued to grow inside of me. If he doesn’t want to say it, then that means he had a proper reason. That he was working for another reason unrelated to his older sister. The source of his strength, his secret…If the person himself clearly states he doesn’t want to say it, then I shouldn’t overstep my boundaries. My head knew that, but my feelings and desire to know more were stronger than that.

“…I-It does.”

“……”

I sounded so childish. I’ve heard the same tone many times from Airi’s mouth. If I had to guess, not being satisfied by the situation, I’ve already reverted back to a spoiled child. Normally, I wouldn’t show this sight of me to anybody. But…but if it was Wataru—

‘I mean…he’s liked you for the longest time, right?’

I remembered Sasaki-kun’s words. I should have known that, and yet whenever I’m reminded of it, something pierced my chest. That’s proof that I’ve been averting my eyes from it. The season of spring is over. Hearing Wataru’s decision and determination, I remember vividly how shocked I was. Thinking about it, I had already averted my eyes back then. Unable to fully admit my feelings—of being interested in him.

“……”

Wataru looked at me with open eyes, like he couldn’t believe what just happened. I felt guilty again. This is what happens when you call me a goddess. All of this—was me being selfish. During every single step taken on the way.

“………Right…”

“…!”

I heard a faint sigh coming from Wataru. It was so brief, you could almost miss it. Maybe he’s annoyed by me? Maybe he really hates me now? Just thinking about it made my chest hurt. I can’t say I’m interested, that I’m curious about him. Not after having stepped on his feelings time and time again. Saying that I wanted to know more about him, how could I be so cruel. Even if I genuinely felt that way, it was probably already too late. But even so, despite that, I still…

“Natsukawa, the thing is—”

“…Wha…”

—He spoke with such a gentle tone. I raised my head in shock, finding Wataru still seated at the desk, looking outside of the window. We made it past the evening, as the violet sky resembled the color in his eyes. His profile and smile almost made it seem like he was ridiculing himself, reminding me of the expression he showed when I first spotted him here. It wasn’t the usual relaxing smile, devoid of any strength. Rather, it felt like he was trying to bear the pain he felt. It was an expression I didn’t know of him, which made me murmur in shock.

“Ah…”

…Dear god…dear goddess. I can’t become like you. I do love looking after my cute little sister, but I still am just as much of a child, constantly throwing a tantrum. I’m trying my hardest to grow up and mature as an older sister, but whenever something painful happens, I immediately seek to rely on someone else. I don’t think I can become an adult anytime soon. So please, tell me—

“—Love brings about weakness.”

How can I control and cool down this fierce heat filling my body?