I couldn’t look away. His eyes, lit up by the setting sun, had fully grasped me, sucking me in. It felt like he could see through all my emotions if I even moved one bit. My face feels hot. My body is burning. The only saving grace was the faint sunlight entering the room. The flames of dusk colored everything orange, hiding my beet-red race without me having to hide it.
‘—Love brings about weakness.’
The words I was just told, melting the atmosphere around me, repeated inside of my head, even if I didn’t want them to. Again and again, repeat and repeat, they melted my brain and my heart.
‘I mean…he’s liked you for the longest time, right?’
Now I heard Sasaki-kun’s voice. I knew that Wataru liked me. But, that was only the case up to the point he confessed the last time when I visited him at his home. I don’t know how exactly he felt about me these past few months. However, what if Sasaki-kun’s words overlapped with the words Wataru just told me—
“…Ah…ah…”
My head feels hot. The sun was sinking outside. Please, don’t leave me alone just yet. My face must be as red as a ripe apple. He’ll be able to see it. So embarrassing. These feelings I should have kept locked up inside of me are visible to the naked eye, and I can’t do anything about them. I beg you, don’t go.
“……Time to head home.”
—Huh? Wataru’s words left me baffled. He let out a sigh that sounded almost exhausted, as he grabbed the bag from the desk in front of him, and passed me by.
“…Ah, huh…?”
“Well, it’s gotten dark outside, right?”
That’s not what I meant. Wataru just acted so naturally for some reason. Despite uttering such sweet words not even a minute ago, he now walked through the barely-lit classroom. I observed this, but found myself unable to form any proper sentence.
—Was it all just a dream? Was it just my imagination? Me mishearing things? Is that why he’s so calm? Those eyes, that look like he had abandoned something…and his words expressing a faint glimmer of pain but also relief…was not real?
“…Ah…”
I-I don’t want that…My body drastically cooled down. Even though I had wished for this heat inside of me to vanish, I was now assaulted by utter terror. I didn’t want to believe that my haughty heart, this emotion I had felt for the very first time, was all instigated because of a fantasy I painted myself.
“W-Wait…!”
I meant to scream with all my might, but my quivering mouth only let out a faint mutter. If I had been calm, this voice could have reached all the way down the hallway, but now it felt like the last torchlight of a flame had vanished. That’s how much I was panicking. Something isn’t right with my body. I looked at Wataru in an attempt to plead, and he looked at me with his eyes.
“—I’ll wait.”
“…Ah…”
He gently smiled. His eyes were the same as always, but the Wataru in front of me didn’t feel like the usual him. Even such a simple statement of his made its way deep inside my body, leaving me bewildered and confused.
“I can’t let you go home alone when it’s dark outside.”
“……!”
Why? My legs moved instinctively, seeking to catch up with Wataru. His mature face came closer and closer, but I didn’t feel any rush in catching up, taking my time as I approached him.
Once we matched with our walking speed, I didn’t dare offer anybody that place I had.
“……”
“……”
It didn’t take long for us to reach the shoe lockers. We didn’t talk at all on our way there from the classroom, but Wataru would temporarily look behind him, and slowed down so that we’d walk next to each other. Every time he did so, he gently narrowed his eyes, making me sense an emotion different from friendship, something you wouldn’t show to your classmate. Coming to that realization, my heart started racing faster, and my steps became unsteady.
Is this what you would call being conceited? Maybe I’m just overly self-conscious? Whenever I thought of Wataru’s feelings for me still being the same as the past two years, my chest started to hurt I could barely stand it. It’s the reason behind Wataru giving it his all that I desperately needed to know. That moment, that time, that bias, all of his care and attention…Whenever I started thinking that it all was directed only towards me, I felt like I was going crazy. And before feeling gratitude or apologetic, the happiness got a headstart on every other possible emotion.
We stepped out of the front entrance when the faint sunlight showered Wataru. He looked up at the sky and sighed once. He seemed to be enjoying the early fall breeze. He sucked up all of my attention. I may have been able to stare at him forever, but my shoes wouldn’t change themselves. I felt a sudden rush of fear that Wataru would leave me alone, so I quickly changed into my outdoor shoes and caught up with Wataru.
“…It’s fall, huh.”
“Err…?”
“You know…we were so focused on our work, it felt like it was still mid-summer. But now I realized that it can be pretty chilly at night.”
“……You’re…right.”
I also felt like we’ve been spending the entire summer working for the culture festival executive committee. However, the first time I caught on to the change of seasons was when I looked at Wataru, soaked by the setting sun. I wonder how the scenery around me will change tomorrow? Even that painful and hellish time at the committee now feels like a precious memory. Somewhere in the distance, I heard the chirping of cicadas.
“……”
“…Natsukawa?”
“Ah…I-I’m here.” I gave a vague response as Wataru looked at me.
When I stand right next to him, I can’t properly look at this face. That’s why I kept a step or two between us. That allowed me to get a good look at him. It reached the point where I was a bit too slow, which is why Wataru turned around, giving me a dubious look. I could feel my face growing hot again. It’s honestly embarrassing how simple I am. I didn’t want him to see me like this, so I walked up to him again.
“……”
“……”
Our way home was mostly filled with silence. Wataru didn’t talk about anything. I snuck another glance at his face. He was looking straight ahead, but he looked somewhat sleepy, and tired. In contrast to his mature expression before, he seemed a lot more innocent now. My heart was beating loudly. Pressing my hand against my chest, I could directly feel my pulse. This doesn’t make any sense. Did Wataru always seem this cool? Was he always this cute? The more I looked at him, the hotter my chest felt. It made me want to touch him. Just by standing next to him, I could pick up his distinct scent, and it made the inside of my head melt away.
I’ve never felt like this before. This is the first time I’ve experienced this kind of feeling. I dropped my gaze, spotting Wataru’s hand to my right. His hand was a lot bigger than mine. If I just reached for it, I could easily hold it. It was just a distance of 15cm, yet I was unable to muster up the courage, feeling dejected at my inaptitude once again.
“…Ah.”
The scenery in front of me made me drop my shoulders in defeat. The time for us to split up arrived. The way here felt way shorter than usual. Did we really walk here from the school? It felt like we had barely been walking for ten seconds. Thinking that all of my attention during that time was directed at Wataru’s left hand made me blush once more. I frantically averted my gaze, but no matter how I twisted and turned it, this was the part where we had to go our separate ways for the day.
…I don’t wanna. I stopped in my tracks without even thinking about it. The desire to stay with Wataru for even a moment longer froze my legs to the ground. Wataru walked a bit ahead of me and realized I was gone right after, so he turned around. He gave me a confused look, but nodded to himself after looking around.
“Already here, huh.” He said.
“Yeah…”
What a disappointing way home, I thought to myself. Wataru uttered these words in a sleepy, emotionless manner. Is there nothing? Anything? I was feeling impatient, not wanting things to end here.
“……Phew…”
“…!”
Wataru turned his back towards me, dropping his shoulders. I heard a faint, exhausted sigh. He probably tried to be considerate by not doing that in front of me. However…that gesture only stimulated me and my racing heart even more. I couldn’t hold back any longer.
“Natsu—Huh?”
“……”
“……”
I was greeted by a robust and well-built sensation. When I took a deep breath, only Wataru’s scent surrounded me. The sturdy back I clung to felt warm at first, only to give off a chilly feeling next. When I ran my fingers along his back, I could feel his muscles here and there.
“Sorry…I tripped…” I said.
“…Ah, huh? Y-You tripped?”
“Yep…I tripped.”
His deep voice, completely different from a girl’s, sent vibrations towards me from deep within him, making me feel them directly on my own body. I wrapped my arms around his back. I thought it would be a lot more soft and fluffy, but a lot of him was rather firm and solid. I put strength into my arms while embracing him from behind, when his back started to get warmer. I could feel his warmth on my cheeks, which passed through my entire body as I gently closed my eyes.
“N-Natsukawa…?”
“…Hey, are you tired…?”
“H-Huh…? Tired…? Well, I guess…it’s like all the tension left my body…”
“I see.”
It doesn’t matter for whose sake he worked so hard. What matters is that he did. I felt jealous and envious at that sight of him before, but now none of that mattered. All I cared about during this moment…was to show appreciation for his efforts. Express my gratitude to him, my dearest.
“You did great, Wataru.”
—I think I like you.
I conveyed the last part with only a faint breath, which hit his back. It’s fine if he didn’t pick up on that. It’s okay if he didn’t understand it. After all, I don’t think I have the right to say that. So at the very least, grant me this embrace. Please forgive me for the past two years.
‘—Love brings about weakness.’
I don’t know who these words were directed at, or what they meant. I want to hear their explanation directly with Wataru’s words and own feelings. But I won’t ask him that right now. Even if I were to find out now, I either wouldn’t be able to accept the way things are, or it would just hurt me.
“……”
“……”
I put both of my hands on his back, ensuring that he wouldn’t turn around. I can’t have him see my face right now. If he did, I would probably break out in tears. Of course, this is, once again, me being selfish.
“See you tomorrow, okay?”
“…Ah…”
Maybe nothing much will change just because I took one step. In the end, I’m still just running away. But for the first time in my life, I ran away while only looking ahead of me.
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